Journal Entries

The Absecense of Love

*Hello readers of wattpad! I just want to let you know that I was just scrolling through my old journals and managed to dig this one up. I think it's rather interesting and can't believe I haven't shared it before! Please consider reading this one!

That is all, thanks!

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Journal Entry: The Absence of Love
Date: February 23, 2017
Time started: 5:43 PM

Dear reader(s),

I know that I may have gone overboard with all the love journals so I'm sorry. I came to a realization that these entries are more like about love than anything else...and that proves that I haven't been capable of letting go of my past...yet. See, right here and now I will deliver the truth of why I've been stuck on a loop. The truth I was never really believing...

You all know the girl I like and have been talking about for the past few YEARS. Yeah, most of my journals about her disappeared and I'm kinda sad about it because to me, well...journals aren't just for the sake of releasing tension. No, to me they're more like records of my life. It's almost like preserving a memory, you know? Which is why I write a TON about my crush.

But now that it has been two years since I've last seen her, I'm starting to realize that I miss being in love. And no, I'm not talking about right now where I still have feelings for her. I'm talking about me being able to see her in person everyday, then texting her at night at precisely 9:00 PM then after that writing journals and finally, going to sleep because I'm excited to see her again the next day. That was the life. You know back then I had dark feelings..like I was going through depression.

Even before she came I was very depressed and insecure. My world was turning on me. It punished me by giving me a dark, dreary place to look at...my school...and also my house. I was so lost and clueless...I didn't have anyone to help me. I became afraid of talking to my parents or even my siblings about what I was going through. Everything seemed pointless and unbearable. But then...one day at school, during recess time, I met the girl in angelic golden hair and my fate began to change. Once I saw her, I knew; things were going to be different now on.

Time slowed down, I stood still and kept watch...my heart thumped against my rib cage like a vicious animal trying to get out of a cage. And the world began to shine brightly with color....colors I couldn't explain myself. Once she was there, my depression dampened. She made me weak but not in a bad way. I fell in LOVE.

Then, as the days passed by, we slowly began to grow closer and closer together. At first we didn't talk much since I just met her..but as school continued, I noticed something in her that I haven't seen before. She showed no sign of judging anyone. She was a spirit of joy, prancing around everyone's life. She loved to talk to people and she spread happiness all around. Her smile lit up the room and I was left bewildered. I didn't know what to do about this. Yes, I had a crush on a girl before but nothing like this. No, I knew it was love.

However, even with her presence there with me, I was not able to withhold my feelings of pain. I would text her at night and just talk on and on. I vented to her about my struggle and she listened to me with open arms. I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders....it was the first time I felt welcomed. The first time I felt like an actual human being who belongs on this earth. I felt whole whenever I came into contact with her. She led me out of the darkness with her light of joy. Everyday, I had someone to talk to whenever I felt down.

I felt like everything was perfect. But then, I learned a heartbreaking truth. She didn't feel the same way for me. She wasn't looking for a relationship and was too busy with school and extra curricular activities. I broke that day. Once again I fell into the depths of pain. I became depressed and the ever so gloomy world I was able to overcome came back and swallowed me whole.