Journal Entries

A New Conflict

Journal Entry #33
A New Conflict
Date: August 24,2018
Time Started: 11:31 PM

Dear Reader(s),

So I think it's just best that I get straight to the point right here, right now. Well, actually I lied. I'll need to give you some background information. Okay so for the billionth time, you all probably heard of my crush. In fact, I've said her name so much that I probably won't need to mention her at all in this entry. Anyway, I wanted say that I think my time liking her is finally coming to a close. Yes, I know, I've said that as many times as I can remember but I really think it's ending now. Which is a great thing of course, but also kinda not so..great. Why? Well because it comes at a cost...and you guys all know what that is.

See, there is only one way that I know of that could possibly stop me from liking someone. And that is, if I ever happen to start liking somebody else. That's how I got over my first grade crush, and I guess that's how I'm getting over my fifth grade crush. Well, I guess...cause I don't really know.

Let me just ask you guys one thing. Do you ever get that feeling when you liked somebody for so long that you can't tell what falling in love feels like anymore? Like you had a crush on somebody for the longest time but you don't actually remember what's it's like to start liking somebody? Well that's me right now. But first, before I explain why, let me tell you all about who this new girl is that you've been so desperately wanting to figure out.

Now forgive me, but I think I'll need to wind the clock back a little and tell you how it all began. I first met this girl when I began high school as a young freshman in my concert choir class. However, I didn't think too much of her because I just saw her as any ordinary girl. Well....a pretty ordinary girl at least. You guys get the point. Anyway, fast forward to my junior year at history class. Two years had passed and I was not able to see this girl in person anymore because i stopped having classes with her during sophomore year. Ooooh so this is where the magic happens, huh? Ha! You're kidding! Nah, me being the non-confident, stupidly reserved person that I am, I didn't even talk to her. That is, until the second semester of the school year.

Long story short, my friend needed help with religion and I asked this girl next to me if she knew my friend and could maybe help her, I figured out her name, and we officially met for the first time. Ever. What was her name? Well, her name was none other than Emma. Actually, no it wasn't. I'm just using a placeholder name because I don't wanna give out her real name for the sake of privacy. Jeez you guys thought I would give out her real name? Psshhh that's crazy.

Anyway, as the days progressed I just started talking to her more often. Her golden hair, those blue comets staring right back at me, an innocent smile. It was all there. And it was all very reminiscent of my previous crush. In case you haven't noticed, it's the same exact physical features that my last crush had! I don't know why this keeps happening! What's with me and blonde girls? Is that like my type or something??? Because it seems to happen a lot now where I fall for a blonde girl. Well, not a lot I guess since she's only the second girl who has similar physical features.

Speaking of my old crush, I did happen to figure something out that was strangely coincidental. Well it turns out that Emma knows my old crush! How do I know that? Well you know how on Instagram when you see somebody post something and it says who liked the photo? Yeah, that's how I know that they knew each other. Or at least know of each other.

But that's not the point. Sorry sometimes I just get so sidetracked when talking about these kinds of things. So where was I? Oh right fast forward to last summer (which is this year to be precise). This summer I went on a religious retreat. I'm not gonna get too much into it but I just want to point out a few things. So this retreat was located at the mountains and would happen over the course of like....3 days? If I remember correctly? Anyway, on the first day, everything seemed to go pretty well. I talked with Emma and was able to control myself around her so it just felt like I was just any good 'ol friend to her.

Until one night, my peers and I stayed up so late that everyone started to get loopy and delirious (No, we didn't have drugs or alcohol. This is a retreat for Pete's sake! We were just tired...that's all). She and I started talking again and I started making jokes. The way she laughed...I'll never forget it. Usually if I ever made jokes around my crushes in the past they would just show some fake laugh that made me feel stupid (Well, actually it is because my joke was stupid and I didn't know how to control myself).

But when Emma laughs, I could tell that it's genuine. I'm not kidding! Like for real! I can really tell that she's not faking! And that's a huge plus for me there because truth be told, I'm not much of a lady's man. And if I'm able to make a girl who I like (and will never have a chance with) laugh then hallelujah! I've just reached a new milestone in my life. After hearing her laugh, I realized that I actually had feelings for her. Everyday felt amazing to spend it with her but also like a nightmare (because of my past experiences with girls that I liked).

I wanted so badly to tell her that I liked her but I knew that it would end badly. For one, whenever I was with her I could tell that there was no chemistry between us. No spark, magic, whatever it is you wanna call it-nada. There were absolutely no signs telling me that she liked me back. So what did I do? Well, I just backed off and just kept the whole friendship thing going. "Wait what? You friend zoned yourself?" Yes, I know that I shouldn't have done that but here's the thing: One, it's our last year together. Okay? We're seniors in high school so it wouldn't matter if we got into a relationship or if I tried to ask her. We would just end up going to different colleges either way. Two, my parents won't actually let me date yet so even if she did like me back, it would just be a whole disappointment because I can't really do anything with her (except see and talk to her at school). Also if you haven't noticed, it's very difficult to date in private. Even if you could drive, you'd have to make excuses every time about why you're leaving the house. And the more you try to go on dates, the more suspicious your parents will get because every time it's just with that one person.

And of course, the most obvious reason why is what I mentioned earlier: she doesn't feel the same way. "Well she could be hiding it. You never know!" Again, let me remind you that I wouldn't last long even if she liked me back because there's only ONE year left we could see each other.

Look, I know that this journal may be a little anti-climactic (is that the right word? lol) or unsatisfying (maybe that's the right one) but to be honest, who would want to see me write another series of journal entries where I obsess over a girl? I'm sure you don't! Because I already have like thousands of those kinds of entries already. And that includes the one that you're reading right now. But for those of you who are actually interested, I'm sorry. You'll just have to keep hope in your minds that somebody else out there is writing down all their deepest, darkest (or lightest) emotions they have for a guy/girl.

So yeah, with all of that, I think I'm gonna wrap up my journal entries for the romance genre. For now at least. Who knows? If I ever think I have a chance with somebody, perhaps I'll write about that. But, let's be realistic here: that'll probably happen within the next five or six years.

So anyway, thank you for reading my journal Entry. If you haven't seen any of my other entries I recommend that you do (my pet peeves rant is a pretty good one lol). But anyway guys, have a good morning/night/afternoon, whatever time it is for you, and until next time, PEACE! ✌🏻