Please, Remember Me

Chapter Nineteen - Upside Out, Inside Down

The first two days after that phone call I spent in a daze.

A painful daze.

I didn't eat much, if anything. I mainly spent them in my bed under the covers ignoring the reality outside my door.

I tried to come up with how, exactly, I ended up where I was, with a hole in my chest and a sick, cold, stone in my gut.

I tried to figure out where I'd gone wrong.... Why it hurt so fucking badly.

I always thought before this moment that the word 'heartbreak' was figurative. I never would have imagined it actually physically hurt. Like someone was ripping me to pieces, literally.

My mind was on repeat during those two days.

I repeated that last conversation so many times it was almost ridiculous, but to be fair to myself how could I not?

It was a really fucking painful way to end things.

And that was another part of the whole mess. Other people with normal lives and relationships could actually, physically be present when they broke each other's hearts. They could scream and throw things at each other, get an outlet for the hysteria and drama.

I couldn't, we couldn't.

He didn't have to listen to me and I didn't have to listen to him. It was as easy as the push of a button. And that was another thing that put pain in my soul, because in a way it was so fucking embarrassing.

Cowboy....

My phone was still in the hall and I assumed it might have turned off when I dropped it, or maybe the juice ran out of it, because I heard nothing from it and I figured, since I'd vanished off the face of the earth, someone must have wondered where I was.

I didn't really care about that, it was just a thought that struck me, late on the second day of my torment.

I was dirty and disgusting, and I didn't care.

I was thirsty and hungry, but I didn't want to eat or drink.

All I wanted to do was come up with answers, an explanation.

And after forty-eight hours, I had nothing.

I promise.

I closed my eyes tightly.

They stung from the almost constant stream of tears. It seemed arbitrary, the tears. I knew they meant nothing, handled nothing, achieved nothing, but they still came and streamed, endlessly, down my cheeks.

My face felt crusty and tight after those rivers.

I sighed heavily and tried once again to find answers.

Why had it happened? Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't he enough? Why had I let myself fall so completely for him? How could I have believed he'd remember it all when I was gone?

People make promises every day, people break promises every day.

We're over.

I don't want you to come here.

Just as I was about to repeat the hurtful words spoken two days ago, someone started banging on my door.

It pulled me out of the painful remembering and startled me enough to make me sit up.

My heart lodged in my throat as I stared at my closed bedroom door.

It can't be him. It isn't him so stop hoping it will be.