Please, Remember Me

Chapter Twenty-Two - Being Wrong When Nothing's Right

Three weeks passed, filled with more pain and shame and guilt.

These weeks had a new dimension to them than the previous ones of hurt. Now I'd messed the rest of my life up. In the space of two months I'd lost the love of my life and the two best friends anyone, anywhere, have ever had.

And all of it was my fault.

It was a lonely three weeks. Loneliness I deserved and had fixed up for myself. I'd made my proverbial bed and now I had to lie in it. No matter how fucking much it made me hate myself and my situation.

Adam and Lizzie cut me off and created a huge distance between me and them after that night. Understandably so from Lizzie, Adam... I still had no idea why he'd reacted the way he did. Which in itself made it all so much more complicated.

They stopped texting, stopped ringing and at work they avoided me as completely as they could while still doing their jobs. They themselves had gained some distance between each other too, at least from what I could see. They didn't leave together and never came in to together either.

It seemed like our little crew was irrevocably split up.

I tried talking to them both on countless occasions. I tried texting and ringing, tried approaching them at work. But they gave me nothing.

So, I fell into my new existence and accepted the fact that I'd fucked up so royally that I'd lost the only two good things I'd had left.

And I missed them.

Hugely.

You never really realize how big a part of your life someone is until you lose them. The quiet they leave behind when they're gone is almost deafening. I missed them so much it hurt constantly. That on top of missing my other half, my heart... Yeah, I still missed Kieran every single second of every single day.

When you lose people you start counting the time that passes, like it has a deeper meaning than it actually does. Days flying by matter, because they put distance between you and what you lost, distance that you can't take back, even if you want to.

I focused on counting the days. Counting how much distance was put between me and all of them, wondering when the point of no return would come. Because surely there had to be one. A point where the distance was large enough that the gap could never be closed.

And, now, I missed all of them during all those seconds and days.

So, on a Sunday, fifty-nine days after Kieran broke me, twenty days after I broke the rest of my life, I found myself alone in my flat staring at my TV. Re-runs of The office playing, something that usually would have had my full attention, but now held none of it. I stared at Brent behaving like an arse without seeing it and thought of nothing at all.

At least I tried not to.

I was supposed to be the strong one, the one who dealt and moved on, the one who had iron skin and a no-nonsense approach to life. I'd lost all that and much more, and I wondered if I ever had been even slightly strong or if it was just something Olga had ingrained in me and with the distance from me and her, the strength disappeared and showed my true self. A person who was more pathetic than I could have ever imagined.

This was why I wasn't supposed to let any of them in. This was why you didn't open up enough for anyone to get inside, to your core. Because it left you vulnerable, ready and willing for whoever you let in to destroy everything you thought you were. This was why I wasn't supposed to love like I had, none of them, because it gave them the power to render me useless.