Please, Remember Me

Chapter Twenty-Four - The Never-Ending Noises

Another two months passed and I was still hurt. I was probably going to be hurt forever by all of these things.

There was a new dimension to my sorrow and pain by now and that new dimension consisted of the knowledge that Adam and I were irrevocably over and done.

He was no longer my friend and I sure as hell wasn't his. And it sucked knowing that and dealing with that on top of the fact that I still wasn't, and would never be, over the fact that Kieran had left me. The two men in my life had gone down their own paths and left me bleeding on the side of the road.

And I was done with them forever.

I couldn't do anything about it, my life was as much out of my hands as it had ever been and I was starting to realize that trying to take a hold of it would never work. And I had to live with that fact.

It seemed as if whenever I tried to put myself out there and grab life by the bollocks, I made a right mess of it. I couldn't control this, it was the way it was.

And it made me feel powerless and weak.

I spent a lot of time with Lizzie, and Maddie to some extent, during those month.

Another birthday came and went, marking another year since losing my Nan, marking time passing for me and marking the one year anniversary of when Kieran came into my life and then promptly disappeared, leaving it all twisted upside down.

I spent it with people for the first time since Olga passed. I went over to Madeline and Lizzie's place and had some takeout while watching a cheesy film starring Zac Efron. It was a great distraction from yet another thing that marred that day for me.

Not only was I now twenty-five years old and lost, now my birthday had another mark of sadness upon it. And if that wasn't a sign that Karma and Fate fucking hated me, then I didn't know what was.

Lizzie and I grew closer in our hurt about Adam. When I'd told her what had been said she broke down crying. I'd comforted her with the knowledge that if that was how he was going to treat us then he didn't deserve our friendship, loyalty and love.

It didn't really help her, at least I didn't think it did. But it was the best I had.

We missed him simultaneously and I hated seeing her so hurt by him and his idiocy. I hated knowing that I was the probable cause that she'd lost one of her best friends.

And I still fucking missed Kieran.

It had been four months and I still missed him. No matter how much I resented him, hated what he'd done, hated what we'd become and how we'd ended, I couldn't help myself from missing him.

It was a constant thing in my existence. A never-ending yearning for the one person my entire system craved.

Always and forever missing him.

It was horrifying that I wasn't stronger than that, that I still reached for my phone from time to time to look for a text from him, as if my muscles sometimes forgot that he was gone and worked on their own accord.

The memories didn't fade but sometimes I would find myself wondering if I'd imagined it all. The electricity that seemed to surround us during those three weeks, the intensity of it all, the words and the touches, the tastes and smells.

Maybe I had imagined it, over exaggerated something that wasn't really there.

I found myself wondering about that quite a lot, slowly convincing myself that I had, in fact, imagined and over exaggerated it. Because what I'd thought was reality seemed impossible in this bleak new world we were living in. Things like that weren't possible in this world. It had to be all have been dreams.