Never After

Chapter 11: You Know Nothing About Me.

     I told Jordan That I would have arrived at the hospital in about 15 minutes after I came off of the phone with him. But here I am sneaking inside the hospital thirty minutes late.

He is going to kill me.

By the time I think that I am in the clear, I am greeted by Nurse Rickara giving me looks that could kill. I place a pleasant smile on my face.

"Hey Ricky. What's up?"

"Don't you 'what's up' me young lady. Do you know how long Mr. Hills has been waiting on you?"

"I know I just got caught up in something."

"Really now something that is more important than your husband?"

Ouch. That hurt. I do care about Jordan. She just does not understand.

How dare she.

"Listen Nurse Rickara, Jordan told me to take a break from this depressing place," I motion to the entire hospital. I can feel my eyes begin to build up with water. "You don't know how hard this is for me. Every girl dreams of her wedding day. Ever since Jordan and I got together I pictured that day. And here I am. We were suppose to be getting married by the end of next week Ricky."

"Wait. you and Mr. Hills aren't married yet?"

"No, we were suppose to but then he got sick."

"I didn't know Jade. I'm sorry to hear that."

The tears begin to fall and I do not try to stop them. I have been holding this pain in for so long and I just cannot do it anymore. I need to let it go. Let go of the hurt, let go of the pain and all of this confusion. And this is my time to let it go.

"I've tried to be strong for Jordan, but who is there to be strong for me. I still have some unfinished school work. I'm just lucky enough that my English professor is giving me extra time to finish it. Then watching all those wedding plans just disintegrate. That ish hurts. And I can't do it anymore."

"So are you trying to tell me that you're giving up on Jordan after all that's happened?" 

"No! I'm saying I'm giving up on me. If and when Jordan comes out of this hospital I don't know if I'll have enough energy and strength to be genuinely happy anymore. Because I will just be all burnt out."

     This is what I have been felling for so long. I have tried to be strong, but I can not do this anymore. I feel like I am under so much pressure and soon I might just POP! And I do not want to do that when Jordan is at a point in his life when I need to be there for him, and I would not be because I would have just lost it. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him forever. But I do not know what is going to happen to me and I know when it does i am scared to think of what is going to happen between Jordan and I.

     Nurse Rickara just stands there taking it all in. I expected her to tell me to never give up, to fight for my love and to support Jordan through it all, but her response is not what I expected.

"Jade come here and sit down,"

I oblige. Her death stare is replaced with one of sincerity and worry.

"I know how you feel, I completely understand." I fly out of my chair.

"See that's where you are wrong. You don't know what it's like to have someone you love in a hospital with more tubes hooked up to him that I don't think is necessary. you don't know how scary it feels that every time you see a doctor walk inside the room you hold your breathe hoping that they say everything is fine. So no, you don't know how I feel."

"Is that what you think?"

I nod yes.

"Jade, let me ask you a question. Do you even know me?"

"Of course you are Rickara Smith. You've been a nurse for about three years..."

"No! I mean outside of being a nurse. Do you know how long it took me to finally put a smile on my face?" Her tears begin to fall. "Do you understand all of the emotions that run through you when you're sitting next to your husband and you watch him close his eyes and die? Have you ever felt that?"

Did Ricky actually go through this. I had no idea. How could I. Like she said I know nothing of her life outside of the hospital and outside of being a nurse.

My silence answers her question.

"Good. So don't try to talk to me about pain. And don't talk to me about pressure because I was in school to and I had a seven year old daughter at the time who I had to explain everything to.

She has a daughter?

Of course she has a daughter. I don't know her outside life.

"So don't talk to me about confusion and pain because I had it all and then some on top of that. I know how you feel times ten, so don't even think that I'm giving you advice add I don't know what you I'm talking about."

She is right. I need to stop blowing up on people when I'm frustrated because everyone has their own problems.

"Ricky I get it. And thank you."

"Like I said jade the first time we met, I'm here to help. Physically and emotionally. I see so much of myself when I saw you in the room that morning with Jordan. I knew I could do more than just be Jordan's nurse. That I could be your guide through it all."

"And you are. I see what I'm doing wrong and I want to fix it. My attitude needs to change and I'm willing. So teach me Ricky so I could be better for me and for Jordan."

"I love the sound of that. Well to lighten the mood, Mr. Hills is sleeping so go home and rest."

"Are you sure I can't stay."

"No you can't. Go home and just relax. I see how you read when you're waiting on Jordan to come out of scans. Just go home and read."

"Okay. Will do. I actually do have a lot of books I wanted to read I guess I could get started with them."

"Good now go."

Relaxation

That word has been so foreign to me over the past couple of weeks. But I think it's time we pay each other a visit.

Thnx for reading guys. This chapter is kind of emotional for me because it reminds me of a lot of things that has happened in the past. This whole story is a modified version of my past but this part is more true than it all. But than you guys for reading and I hope you enjoyed.

Love Always-Covy