Wild Secrets

19 - THIS CAN'T BE

I was sitting alone in my couch while Raphael does the cooking. He insisted on cooking for my dinner. I checked my phone for messages and I noticed that Kenzo has been trying to contact me for hours. I received a lot of missed calls from him.

"Hey wait, i'm just going to call Kenzo-"

"Do you like him?" He said. His eyes still fixed on the food he's cooking.

"No"

"But the way you look at him.. It's different" He said. He's looking at me now. I can't read his expression.

"I don't like him. It's just he's uhmm" I said. "He's what?" He asked immediately. "Special?"

I gathered all my thoughts about him. He's nice and funny, a total ideal guy for me but he hurt me years ago. I already forgave him. He's unpredictable. One day, he's your knight in shining armor then the next day, you two are now strangers. He's also a playboy and a guy who has a lot of sense of humor that sometimes he let out an annoying jokes. He made fun of me but he apologized already. He taught me to grabbed every chances I could get and now, i'm on my way to my gymnastics career once again. He helped me get rid of my fear. He completes my day and i'm not scared to admit that. Do I like him? Yes. Do I "like" him? I don't know yet.

"Raphael, to be honest, I don't know if I like him yet" I confessed. He let go of the spoon he's holding. His face has now a pained expression, I can feel it because his eyes are hard and dark. I noticed that his fist clenched on the top of the table. "What's wrong?" I asked nicely but his expression remained the same. He's looking straight at me.

"He just came out of nowhere and now, you like him?" He asked. "Why? What's wrong with that?" I asked curiously.

"Are you blind? I'm jealous Shantel! Big time! You just saw each other weeks ago but it's like you've been together for years. The way you smile at him, it's different! You never smiled like that to me. He's not trying to make you laugh but whenever you're around him, it's like you're the happiest girl in the world. I'm jealous. I'm scared that one day you'll forget about me because of him. I know I have no rights because we're not together and I have Bea but.."

"But what? Seeing you with Bea makes me jealous too but I never told that to you. I kept it to myself. Do you think it's easy? Kenzo came in to my life years ago, before you! I told you! I'm not sure with my feelings yet! Wanna know why? It's because of you! I don't want to hurt you and I still like you but I never got the chance to show it to you. Why? It's because you have Bea! My feelings are locked inside. I don't have the rights to declare how I really like you! How special you are to me! But what? Tell me!" I said. I'm angry because he doesn't have the right to get mad at me! I was the one who's suffering here because I like him, a lot and realizing that he's with Bea breaks my heart. I just zipped my mouth. I didn't want him to know how I really felt because I knew something will happen and that's not good. It's either Bea's going to be hurt or it's me who'll suffer. I'm scared to feel pain because i'm in too much pain right now, with my family and friends.

"I don't have the rights but.."

"I love you"

As soon as I heard his words, my heart melted. I wished he didn't say that. Why? It's torturing me, deep inside my heart. He's with Bea which means I can't love him back. I also realized that what if i'm in Bea's position right now, i'll suffer harder than what's happening to me right now because I know that Bea treats me as a good friend because i'm Raphael's best friend. She forced herself to not feel any jealousy just to prevent conflicts. Raphael also stays more time with me rather than Bea. Most of all, I came here, they're already together and we had been hiding our feelings for months and Bea doesn't know about that.

I turned to face him and I actually saw a teardrop falling on his cheek. I hugged him immediately. This is the only thing I can do right now, to make him feel better. I can't tell him that I felt the same because I'm not sure yet and I shouldn't too. I'll remain as his best friend and that's all.

"Raphael. Stay with me. Always." I said. After not telling him what I really feel, I still hope that he'll remain the same.

"Always."

We decided to eat dinner together. We kept quiet the whole time. No one dared to start a conversation.

I decided to watch Warm Bodies. He sat next to me and he's eating popcorn. He shared it to me without talking of course.

"You're right. I'm just your best friend and best friend wants the best for their best friend. All I can do right now for you is to support you. If you like Kenzo, it's okay. I should accept it just like how you accepted my relationship with Bea" He started to talk. I looked at his eyes and they're fixed on the screen.

"But I still love you." He said and smiled. I finally saw him smile. I suddenly felt butterflies around my stomach. He still have this effect. Every time he does that, it's like the first time. We held hands and continued to watch the movie.

He left when it's already late. I decided to go to my room to get some rest. I called Paul first before going to sleep.

"Paul, find a good high school that will accept someone like me? Expelled student in the middle of my senior year. Farthest school you can find. Don't ask." I said.

"Okay."

I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up weakly. I can't feel my body. I also had a hard time opening my eyes. I checked my temperature with my hand. I find it hot so to be sure, I called Paul immediately. Suddenly, I heard the house's door open. Paul entered my room after a couple of knocks. He's holding a thermometer.

"40 degrees Celsius!"

Paul told me to take a rest. I don't care about school anymore. It's better this way, not seeing the people who wants me to be destroyed. I slept the whole day it doesn't get any better. Paul and Mrs. Dorse came to my aid the whole day. I didn't expect this to stay for two days. The next day seems to become better.

Paul continued to take care of me with Mrs. Dorse. It's been three days and i'm still not attending school.

"I think I should go back to school tomorrow. We'll surely have our general practice" I said. Suddenly, Paul's eyes turned to face me.

"I forgot to tell you. I already found a school and it's in Queensland, Australia" He said and smiled. "Nice! What about dad? What will he do if he finds out that i'm going away?"

"I already talked to him and he thinks it's for the better too. As long as I go with you" He said. I began to wonder once again.

"Why do you act so nice for him?" I asked.

"It's not for him." He said then left.

After a few minutes of thinking, I realized something but i'm forcing myself not to think about it. I forcing myself not to believe what I'm thinking. It's too much. There's something about Paul.

He supported me every time. He protected me all the time. He told me he wants me to call him by his true name which is Julian instead of Paul because he doesn't want to lie to me. He's acting so sweet since he admitted who he really was. He also doesn't want me to know why he's doing this. He told me he'll tell me at the right time. And now, he just told me that he's doing all of these not because of my dad.

I hate to think about it but I think he's into me.