The story of Avi

Feelings

Jay feels like you're too emotional to deal with anything. It feels like you don't even realize what just happened, you know what happened but you don't believe it. You have a hard time realizing and believing what you just witnessed or heard. It's like you can't grasp what is right in front of you. Those times when you feel like crying and know you should be crying but can't get any tears to come. It's when you're in too much shock to deal with the problem at hand. When you're in too much shock to think straight. I get the feeling Jay all too often.

Savannah is crying. I know I should be crying too, I just watched my boyfriend die. For goodness sake why aren't you crying Aviana! I can't cry, I'm trying, I really am, but no tears are coming. Sadness hasn't yet found me. By the time night comes I'm sure I'll be sobbing but for right now I'm in a haze. I'm trying to get back in reality but I cannot think straight. I'm looking at the corpse of my boyfriend and standing next to my best friend who is balling her eyes out. Everything appears blurry, the last few hours come back too me quickly as if it were a flashback. I'm not sure what happened next. After seeing the past few hours go by a second time I must've blacked out because I can't recall what happened. The next thing I knew I was laying in my tent with Savannah right next to me, stroking my hair as if to soothe me. She tells me I fainted, I had already figured that out. I then ask her the question that's really on my mind, if Jay died. She tells me it's true. Then the tears finally find me. Next thing I know, I'm bent over with my head on Savannah's shoulder sobbing. She continues to stroke my hair and tell me in a calm voice that it's okay. I tell her it's not okay, I tell her that he didn't deserve to die. Then she reminds me of the awful news they had told us, that he had asked to die. I then ask why he would do such a thing, why would he leave me here and go to a better place without me. I soon realize how selfish those questions were and quickly tell Savannah not to answer them. She tells me she didn't know the answers anyway. Then I tell her she doesn't have to act strong for me. She thanks me and next thing I know, we're holding each other and crying. We stay that way for awhile. I like it better that way though, it feels better to cry with someone than have them stay strong and hold you while you cry. I find it nice when people break down in front of me, it makes me feel more human and okay with myself. It makes me realize I'm not the only one who gets upset, it lets me know it's okay to let down your guard and take off your armor every once in awhile. I must've fallen asleep like that because next thing I know the sun is up and Savannah is gone. I get out of the tent and see Savannah by the fire. There are two Isis men watching her. I'm surprised there weren't any Isis men last night outside our tent, I guess they figured we'd be too emotional and weak to try and escape. I wish they hadn't been right. Then I get the idea, what if Savannah and I act really sad and depressed so they slowly loosen up their watch on us. Then one night when we're alone we can grab some supply's and run. I tell Savannah my idea and she says I'm crazy. Then I remind her of all of her crazy plans I helped with in the past. She claims they weren't this serious and didn't risk our lives. We argue quietly for awhile and then finally Savannah gives in. We don't know when we'll put the plan into action, we assume it'll be awhile. Everyone is acting normal today so far, like yesterday was just a normal day. Yesterday was NOT a normal day. Savannah and I are a mess today! Jay died yesterday! They had us all watch! How can everyone just be going about life normally today!? This is one reason I will never understand the concept of death. How can I be a mess and the person right next to me is completely okay? It makes no sense at all. These are the things in life that confuse me the most, the concepts of time and death. Feelings also confuse me, how come some have names everyone knows, like sadness and anger but some don't, like Jay. As I'm in thought Savannah nudges me, she's pointing at something. At first I think she's losing her mind, then I see it.