Eldest Elric

Think Straight

I feel as though I have filled and failed in my life. Parents are to die before their children, but here I am. Here; my boy is not. When the people I have known and love for a long time left; I stayed. I didn't want to leave just yet. I haven't let go yet. The smaller boy will always be on my mind. I just can't find it in me to walk away from his stone. It seemed impossible. For the whole night, I stayed next to the freshly turned grave that held the most important person to me.
I had made him a grave stone from the earth, neatly having his name imprinted. It didn't matter anymore if someone saw me use my alchemy. My father is gone, maybe even dead, and my brothers already hate me. What do I have to lose anymore? With this in mind, I didn't move. There was no more energy for me to pretend. All that was left was to wait for my own death. I stayed next to my boy until I lost track of how long I've been there. I didn't mind the sun and made my own water hole near by.
My mind played out my memories and I think I cried all my tears. That seemed to be the only thing I could do at the moment; cry. My emotional wall that was up sense I was a child has finally broken down. There was no reason to keep it up. There was no one that will smile at me like Jenner. That hole in my heart seemed to be the reason of all my tears. That very hole was caused by my missing boy. I wanted him back so bad. The thought of bringing him back was on my mind more than once. If it wasn't for what I saw years ago that was suppose to be my sweet mother; I would have done it in that very hospital. It was still lingering in my mind.
A sudden voice made me jump in surprise, "Elizabeth?" That was a voice I hadn't heard in a long time. In fact, I don't know the last time I heard anyone's voice. My eyes looked over to the blonde boy that was my blood. Edward? What was he doing here? "No, this is just another hallucination. You're not here." Was that really my voice? It sounded horse to my own ears and I stood to get some water. Even as I thought he wasn't there, he was able to grab and steady me as I stumbled. The heat must be getting to me. Edward was not here, my brother would not even stay near me if he was really here. "Get off, you're not really here." I said, absolutely sure of it.
The familiar boy couldn't be here. He didn't let me go and I tried to push away from him. Hurt flashed in his eyes as I hit his chest weakly, the heat making me dizzy. "You're not here! You're not Edward!!" I screamed to the boy; too afraid to even look him in the eye. It was not possible. "Why? Why do you not believe that I'm here?" Edward said as I stopped struggling, slightly thinking he may really be here now.
It was simple, "Because the little brother I know hates me. He would never be here and he would never talk to me." I was surprised that I still had more tears left to cry as the salty liquid built up. My head hurt and I felt like I couldn't breath. Those golden eyes finally looked into my own and I believed. He was here... My little brother was here and he didn't look angry at all. As my vision tunneled, the last thing I saw was his golden eyes that held concern and confusion.
When I re-opened my eye, I instantly looked for Jenner. Confusion came as I didn't find my red eyed son, "Jenner?" I called out for him; realizing that I didn't know where I was and why I felt so heated. I stood up slowly and looked around. Where could he have gone off to? It came to a huge surprise as my little brother enter the room. His golden eyes made me remember what had happened and I took a breath. Jenner wasn't here anymore. It was just me waiting to join him.
Edward stepped closer to me and I took mimicked going backward. He seemed surprised that I was showing emotion on such a trivial thing, but I didn't have a mask anymore. It was just me, raw from the loss of my child. He took another one and I repeated myself. Being near him was not on my To-Do List right now. We stared at one another for a moment, "I came down to meet some people in the ruins of Xerxes, Breda informed me to travel to Abaski for a surprise; I didn't know you were there." He sounded slightly confused and I could tell it was the truth. My brother wouldn't willingly see me.
I sighed and gave a small nod of understanding before moving to leave. I just wanted to go back to my little Jen. "Where are you going?" His question startled me and I looked him over. He was slightly taller than me now and his hair has gotten longer. Edward looks stronger than when we were kids. He looks better than the last time I has saw him, such a long time ago. I sighed, "I'm going back to Abaski." It was that simple to me. If I didn't want to talk to him yet, or ever, then I won't. I just wanted to die by that grave without anymore sorrow. Without any more tears. He rejected me too many times and I don't know if I could forgive him so easily right now. "The doctor said that you have a high fever, you should lay back down." I ignored him, just wanting to leave.
His hand caught my arm as I tried to move past him. I avoided his gaze, afraid I'll see my father in them. That's what Edward reminded me of at this moment. Now that my little brother is almost grown up, I can see how mature he's become. It made me sad. He was suppose to be a careless teenage boy that was worried over work and finding a girlfriend. Yet, he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and much more.
Had I made him this way? "Edward, do you want to talk now?" My mood had changed. I should get this out of the way before I go to die. Now, I want to talk. I won't tell him anything important, but I'll listen to him. His eyes locked onto me. I could see how he was thinking it over. Pain and regret passed through his eyes as he looked at my eye-patch. It brought me back to Jenner. Maybe Jenner could be at peace when we talk and he apologizes. Would he even do that? Edward sighed, "I'll tell you later, we should get going. There is not much time." At his words, I paused to think. No, I don't want to go with him. Not away from my Jen and my own grave. This is where I want to stay till I die. Isn't that the least he could let me do?
"I'm staying here, Edward." I didn't need a reason to tell him why, I'm the oldest one anyway. He took a moment to look me over. I may look like hell with my dirty hair and dark bags under my eyes. My bones were seen in places they normally wouldn't be; like my hip bones sticking out or my collar bone showing. It was obvious that I hadn't been eating, but I some how managed to stay alive this long without anything. Before I could fight back; not like I would have the strength to anyway; Edward put me over his shoulder and left the tent we were in.
It was stupid not to have eaten because now I was too weak to fight back. "Put me down, Edward!!" I struggled and yelled at him for a moment. It made me look like I was the childish one, but I didn't care. Why couldn't he just leave me be like he had done all the years before? "I can't do that, Elizabeth." His voice was more determined than I remembered. Something about him now reminded me of when I was younger; when I was determined to find the cure for our mother. Where did that part of me go? Since when did I act this way over death? Yes, I remember now. This feeling of uselessness has been haunting me all my life. That's what it is.
I breathed heavy from the heat and the struggle, "Why not?" That seems to be the only question I have for him at the moment. Why would he be here for me now? Why not leave me alone? His voice was soft as he sighed, "Because you're family." That answered angered me. Now I'm family? After all these years of ignoring and hurting me; it's at this moment he decides I'm worthy of being his sister again? "Take that answer and shove it because I don't want to be family with you anymore." It came out cold, but I meant it. He didn't want me to explain myself. After all the things I heard that's going on through letters, I know that Edward would just use me.
Said boy stopped walking and I noticed Breda, Alexander, and Ross standing near by. It felt like forever since I had seen them. With all my emotion in turmoil from being here so long with no one, I could pick an emotion to stay with. Edward was stiff as he let me down and I wasted no time to step out of his reach. "Elizabeth, I-" He started, but I interrupted him, "No, Edward, I'm done with this- whatever 'this' is- because I'm tired. I'm not going with you or them; I'm staying here." It was true. I was so tired of trying to make him forgive me. All the sleepless nights alone were catching up to me with the promise of nightmares that would make me regret being born.
His hand went around my wrist gently, as if he actually cared. 'Edward doesn't care. He's going to use you. They are all going to use you.' My mind repeated over and over. It was the only logical thing I could think of. "This is the least you could do after you abandoned us." His words only fueled the fire. Words came from me before I could even processed what I was saying, "I left for you and Al!!" As soon as the words were out, I bit my tongue. I don't know why, but I just felt like I could make another person cry.
Fierce golden eyes looked at me, "I don't understand." No, I knew he wouldn't. Yet, I wanted him to. I wanted to let him know that it was all for him and our baby brother. That I never stopped thinking about them. Guilt ate away at me, but I stayed silent. I couldn't tell him just yet. Maybe when this is all over I will tell them, but not now. They should hear it at the same time. That's all I could think of to make this truth come out easier. "I can't tell you just yet... It's nothing for you to worry about at this moment, you should leave now if you want to make the last train."
Just, like that, all my emotions were in check and I had calmed down. I can't leave. My whole mind and body rejected the idea of leaving. "Edward, I'm serious. I can't leave and I can't be near you." With that, I turned away from them and to the direction I knew by heart. I memorized most of this place and the ways back to my little Jen. A large hand weighted on my shoulder; "Miss. Elric, I am truly sorry about Jenner, but you cannot torture yourself over this forever. It wasn't your fault." Alexander spoke sincerely and the last part almost broke my heart.
I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists'. He didn't know. He wasn't there. No one was there. It was Jenner and I. Always has been and always will be. I'll meet him soon and we will never part again. I let him down once; how could I do it again by making him wait longer for me? "You don't know what it was like. I was the only one there for him; that's the way it has always been and should still be. Jenner was my only family." The words were loud and harsh as my emotions let out how I felt to the world. It took so much of my energy to even stand at the moment, I can't let the emotions get the best of me. Death is the only thing that can help me now. My body started moving again and no one stopped me as I went to my own grave.
When I saw the familiar turned grave and head stone, my body felt so much lighter. I sat next to it and leaned on it, "Jenner, I'm back." My voice was soft as I looked over the nearby edge. He was always on my mind. Every time I close my eyes I see them familiar eyes. Every time I feel the wind, it's like his hand ghosting over my shoulder. The whole time I sit next to this grave is like him sitting next to me.
"Jenner was the boy from that one time, when I..." The voice startled me and I stood up to face Edward. How was I so unaware of him following me? It was a question I knew the answer to, but I felt the need to wonder how he could have been so quiet. "When you blinded my eye, yes." I finished for him. All the calmness came back and I felt like I shouldn't be mad or upset with Jen so close. Guilt flashed across his face and I felt some myself. It wasn't just his fault. I went to the water hole and took a few drinks before splashing some on my face. It took me a moment, but I got my bearings straight and mind clear. No longer heat stroke or feeling so sick; I turned to my little brother again. What was I thinking?! This is what I've always wanted. My brother's to forgive me and try to understand me. Why was I trying to push them away again? All the threats to them are uncontrollable by me and I should help them.
Before I could help myself, I wrapped my arms around Edward's waist in a strong hold. His scent filled my senses and the body warmth only added to the heat of the desert, but I didn't let go. Jenner wouldn't want me to lose the only family I had left. "I'm sorry, Edward. For everything." It was all I could say. I was the big sister, but I did leave them; reasons or none. Soon, his arms hugged me back and I felt hims shake, "Big sister..." Even with him being taller than me, He still felt like a child in my arms. So much has happened between us. The years of ignoring and hating from him has made me miss the little boy I once knew. I missed the old days when we were just kids. When our little brother was in his normal body and my mother and father were still there. But the bitter truth was all around us in this moment. Our mother in the ground for a second time and our father out in the world or dead too. It was only me and my two brothers now and we have to start new. It has to work this time.
Pulling back some, I took a good look at his face. The golden eyes have become so much like our father's and his long hair braided back didn't help much. "A spitting image of our father, Edward. That's what I always knew you would look like and this just proves me right." My smile was soft as I brushed my hand over his broad shoulder. His face twisted for a second before he realized something, "And you look just like our mother." The smile on his face made me re-think everything.
What was I doing here still? Jenner is gone. My parents are gone. My little brothers need me and I was here... This was our way of making up and I know Jenner would want me to help them because that's who I am. I risk everything for the people I love.
So, I went with Edward. The past will stay in the past and I will eventually tell them the truth on why I left and where I was, but for now; I would help them. My little brothers need me the most and I couldn't let them down again. This time, we'll be doing it together and I'll take even more pictures. I'll tell them stories of my travels and we'll laugh about our childhood. That's what I want; for us to be like family again.