Anesthesia

Sam: Truth be Told

"Why are you so tense? I don't understand what's happening. Could you just tell me?" I ask Dean as he paces back and forth. I wrap my arm around Jess. Dean shoots me a glare.
"That's right. You don't understand. You've never lost Jess have you?" He says stressed. "You've never been disloyal..." He mumbles under his breath.
"What?" I ask, him standing up. I walk closer as he stops abruptly.
"What?" He asks back, rather defensively.
"Well, I kinda heard what you just said man," I say getting close. "What the fuck did you do?"
Dean steps up to me.
"Back off. I don't have to explain myself to you," he says, voice getting louder. Jess shifts uncomfortably in the corner of my eye. Dean and I are so close now. To my surprise, Dean steps back.
"Follow me," he says and begins to stride out the door.
"I'll be back," I say to Jess. As soon as I close the door behind me Dean begins to hyperventilate and paces again.
"I messed up Sammy," Dean groans. "I messed up so bad... I— I—..." He stutters. His boots drag against the gravel as he walks then turns on his heel and walks the other way. I watch helplessly as he paces back, forth, back, forth. I step in front of him and place my hands firmly on his shoulders.
"Ok. Clam down. Breathe. Now tell me what happened."
"I kissed Jo! Or Jo kissed me. I had a couple of beers and it just happened. And Cas caught me.  Good that he did too, I don't deserve him and I know he's never coming back and we lost him, Sam I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hate myself I despise who I am and I wish I could just..."
"Stop. Don't go any further. You are not a bad person, Dean! Stop thinking these shitty thoughts because I will never let you hurt yourself. You made one mistake. One. Cas needs to understand that. You are not defined by this one kiss, ok?" I tell him with determination. Dean's expression truly breaks me. He looks so broken, so pained.
"You know I keep telling myself that it was not that bad, but I know that it really was horrible. I promised him..." Dean whimpers. Tears pool at the edges of his eyes. They pour out and he gives up on trying to control them. Dean runs his hand over his husk on his jaw and walks away in shame.
"Wait. Dean. What're we gonna do?"
"I don't know," he says over his shoulder. I watch as he disappears around the corner. I have never seen my brother so broken over a lover. I suppose Cas is more than that. But why would he kiss Jo then? Did he pull alaway or just keep kissing her? He couldn't of. I should've asked him. I let out an exasperated sigh. Shit.