Anesthesia

Dean: Grenade For a Heart

I pull away from Jo. I stand frozen and in utter shock. I should not have just done that. I didn't do that. Did I? That was Jo. How could I explain this to Cas? I know he was there. Although he thinks he's stealthy he's really not. I run my hands through my hair and step back.
"Oh no. I should not have done that. Cas... He's..." I stammer. Jo looks at me perplexed.
"Are you two together? Huh. Dean Winchester banging a dude. You always seemed like the ladies' man to me."
"I'm— I'm both."
"Oh." Awkward silence fills the room as the seconds tick by. My mind floods with thoughts. How could I have done that? Oh god. I did not just do that! I turn on my heel and race for the door. I push it open with a grunt and stop as the summer breeze hits my face. I look around frantically. I begin pacing and anxiety fills my system. My stomach churns and I feel like I'm going to hurl. My eyes dart left to right searching the midnight forest beyond.
"Cas!" I call. No answer. Only the cricket chatter fills the air.
"Cas!!!" Hopelessness fills me and I place my hands on my knees. I hunch over and try to calm my breathing. I look up and blue eyes are staring into mine. His lips form a frown and his once deep sky blue eyes are now full of murky darkness. Full of disappointment is what they are. I open my mouth and no words escape from my lips. Not a sound. Not even a weird awkward sound to fill the silence.
"I—..." I manage.
"You're sorry?" He whispers. I look at him, helpless.
"I— I don't—," I stutter. It feels as though my vocal chords have been torn out. Or my tongue has been cut off. I can't speak. I hold his stare though. I gaze at him, waiting for him explode.
"But I don't think you are sorry," he whispers. His voice is hushed and small. He appears smaller and more pathetic than me. I gulp but it appears I can't swallow the lump in my throat. I feel as though I have swallowed the words that tried to escape my lips and they are caught in my throat. With the wave of his invisible wings, he's gone. He left with barely any emotion in his face. As though he turned to stone.
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I wake up hungover. I wince as a pounding headache reminds me of last night. I rub my temples and look around. I see Sam and Jess cuddled together on the cot. Jo sleeps at the other side of the room. Ellen must be in her own room. My eyes dart to the other side of my bed. My Cas is not there, sleeping soundly. He's not there having pleasant dreams or wrapping his arm around my side. I'd  be happy just to hear him snore. But the only snoring I hear comes from Jess, because Cas ain't here to overpower her snores. Cas ain't here. Because of me. Because I couldn't control myself and I had to take one little sip of bourbon. I had to take another little sip of gin. And then I had a couple beers. I sigh in exasperation and heave myself out of bed. I shuffle over to Sam's bed and shake him.
"Wake up," I say as he stirs awake. "I did somethin' bad."
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We stand on the gravel road outside the roadhouse, looking up at the sky pathetically.
"Cas. We know you're hurt but we really need you, man. I need you. If you don't want me to speak for Dean then let me say I need you. One kiss does not define him. And it does not define you," Sam says to the sky.
"It's useless. He hates me," I say.
"Yeah he does," Sam says immediately.
I glare at him. "Well maybe I should go and you try to get through to him," I say walking away. I stride into the diner and pass Jo sweeping the floors. She gives a faint smile and I smile in the slightest as I seat myself at a booth. I begin flipping through the local newspaper.
"Are you still gonna work on the case or try to find Castiel?" She calls.
I look up. "I don't know. I need to find him," I say and look down again. I try to hide whatever emotion is going through me as I pretend to read the newspaper. I can't focus. My eye catches something in my peripheral and I glance at the window. Cas stands there as his trench coat hangs limp from his shoulders and he does not move.
"Cas..." I mumble. His eyes remain forward, blank. He opens his mouth. He's speaking. I can't hear his words. I lean closer.
"...sorry well so am I. I'm sorry I trusted you and now I have to go. I can't stay here with you. I want to be there for Sam but..." He trails off.
"You let me down," he says sadly. I feel my body filling with guilt. I should have known Cas would be appalled by the kiss. Others probably wouldn't have been so upset. But Cas is Cas. There's no explaining for him. I quickly glance at the dead diner. Jo had left. It's empty. I turn my head back to the window, but there's no one there. I feel my eyes begin to sting as tears start rolling down my cheeks. I messily wipe them away and brush my fingers through my hair. I can't lose him. My mind flashes back to the motel room in New Haven before we left for Nebraska. I remember Cas' nightmare and the way he clutched me in fear, he feared he would lose me. As if he were to be the one to hurt me. As if he were the one to do me wrong. I remember comforting him and warming his fragile body with mine. This makes me cry harder because I feel fragile now, and I can't help myself but think how weak and upset he is. Beyond his armour of rage and fury he feels hurt, as if a grenade has been planted inside him and I was the one to set it off.