Anesthesia

Dean: The Mask

I wake abruptly to the buzz of the AC in the hot room. I wipe my forehead of sweat. Jo snores beside me. I look over to the clock. It reads 5:36 am. I sigh. The bed squeaks slightly as I get out of bed put my pants on. A pounding begins to rattle in my head and my ears begin to ring. I stumble into the diner. I squint at the mild blue sky. Hangovers make light 50x worse to the eye. I shield my eyes with one arm and look to the floor. My eyes flicker over the empty glasses, the flipped chair, and my shirt laying askew. My eyes focus to a small bright light on top of my shirt. I pick up the small vile of liquid. Cas' grace. What's that doing here? I always wear his little droplet of grace. Suddenly, all at once last nights' events flood into my mind. My mind works backwards, flipping through each moment like clockwork. The squeak of the bed as our bodies collided together. The sound of my belt being unbuckled. The endless laughter. The thud of a chair. And the clink if a glass. A tear rolls down my cheek, as I realized what I've done. I was too hasty. I try to remember back if I wore a condom. I shake the thought as I hear an alarm sound in one of the rooms in the back. I quickly throw on my shirt and my necklace and rush to the coffeemaker. I begin brewing coffee just as Sam walks in.
"Hey," he says and waves.
"Mornin," I say as cheerfully as I can muster. He walks closer and pours himself a cup. I step back so he doesn't smell the leftover liquor scent on my tongue.
"How long did you stay up last night?" He asks curiously. We walk to a booth and sip our mugs. Or, he sips. I chug it to mask the scent of bourbon. He gives me a confused look, with a hint of concern.
"You good?" He asks. I finish the bitter drink and shake my head, as though trying to shake the hangover.
"Yeah, yeah I'm good," I say. I glance out the window. "Have you heard from Bobby about Cas?"
"He's not with him," Sam says sadly.
"Dammit. How are we going to find him? Try contacting heaven? Chuck? Anyone?" I offer. Sam shakes his head. "Well, while you've been drowning yourself in bourbon and whiskey, I've tried it all. He's practically disappeared off the face of the earth." And it's all my fault, I think to myself. I feel my heart ache, physically ache; that hopeless weight you feel when you have no other options. When you know you've disappointed everyone you love and care about, and there's nothing you can do. I wipe the small tear quickly before Sam sees what a whimp I've turned into. Cas has changed me so much. I always knew he made me have a soft spot, but I never suspected he would turn me to mush.
"For the record, you look like shit," Sam remarks.
"I know." Sam is silent for several minutes.
" What about the bunker? How about we go back there? Or maybe  we should sidetrack ourselves. Work on another case?" We watch out the window as the sky becomes lighter, as the small orb of hot light lifts higher into the sky. Mixes of orange and yellow fade as a pure blue becomes the sky. It reminds me of Cas' hopeful eyes. First they have a slight fire in them when he's angry but slowly turn to a genuine, innocent blue. I swallow hard and blink away my tears. Should I tell Sam what happened last night? No. I can't. Ever. This won't glaze over though. I have a bad feeling about it. Somehow, they will find out one day. I squeeze my hands together anxiously.
"Look, it's going to be ok. Let's stay here for a bit. Cas will come when he's ready ok? He will get over it. Is just a kiss. Keep telling yourself that and you'll be able to forgive yourself too. Don't let yourself go."
My eyes flicker to my lap.  I run my hand on my forehead and glance up as Ellen walks in. Her boots clomp against the tile floor as she slips the closed sign to open on the door.
"Mornin' boys," she says, sighing.
"Hey Ellen," we say simultaneously.
"You guys have a plan yet or are ya sticking around to help your momma out?" She says walking over to the bar. I look at Sam, eyebrows raised, silently mouthing 'well?'.
"Um... We were thinking of going back to the bunker actually," he says and then shrugs at me. I roll my eyes and give a tired sigh.
"Yeah that's the plan," I say, but it comes out as if I've been winded. Ellen looks over with concern.
"You boys ok? Something's wrong..."
"It's nothing," I say too quickly. "I've been really stressed is all. I kinda miss Cas. He's been with us for a long time and the last time he left was a long time ago. It was when things were shitty as hell, too. I just want him to come back."
She sidles beside me and puts he arm around me.
"You don't worry about a thing, honey. He'll be back. Can't miss out on a gem like you, can he now?"
I muster a smile.