The Years Disappeared

Looking Ahead

"I'm sorry to invade your party and all, but I heard you're leaving soon and I didn't want to miss you."
"Tomorrow, I think." I gulped.
"It's just that...In Europe, me and Lindsey...Well..."
I pinched the bridge of my nose, my heart sinking.
"Why are you telling me this now?" I seethed, feeling as if the world was falling apart around me.
"It's not what you think. We got friendly again, and I was...Stupid. I misinterpreted the situation- both of us were lonely on that trip- and I kissed him."
"He...He..."
"He pushed me off him and we have barely spoke since. I left him a note though, hoping you'd find it."
I thought back to the slip of paper I'd found in his things just before he'd ran back to D.C when we were supposed to be holidaying as a family, it could've easily been an old one I'd guessed, and Lindsey had denied all my accusations.
"Why would y-...He told me he hadn't touched you since...Then...And I chose to believe him."
"You were right to."
"Don't patronise me, you don't know Lindsey at all, you are nothing to him."
"Stevie I d-"
At my wits end- thinking I'd  already abandoned the drama of this social sphere- in pain and trying to care for my child, I finally cracked with this woman.
"I have been married to him for ten years, and I have known him since I was seventeen, I have four children with him and I am pregnant with another. You know nothing of his life and of him and you certainly don't know me. Why turn up here today to bring up the past? What kind of woman sleeps with a married man who has three children anyway? A crazy one. I trust him and I don't need your reassurance. He hasn't given you a second thought and neither have I. Get out of our house."
She looked startled and I realised she had probably only meant well, but I didn't care. She still wasn't worth my time. I saw tears in her eyes as she scurried off.

I shut my eyes, thinking.
"Can you still tell she sicked on me?" Soon I heard Lindsey's voice. I found him bending his chin at an awkward angle to examine his shirt.
"Stevie?"
I snapped out of my reflections.
"It's just a little damp patch, no one can see it in the dim lighting."
"Hmm, I guess so."
"You're way too vain."
"Says you." He ruffles my hair. I feel his hand freeze and he pulls it out, cringing at the slobber on his fingers, Sara giggling as if she planned the whole thing. I noticed the lateness of the hour and order Lindsey to stay with our guests as I took her to bed, allowing the others to stay up a while just for tonight.

My mom and dad are the last guests, and I speak with them a while as Lindsey goes to carry Bella and Leia into bed, both of them having fallen asleep on the couch. Joe insists on acting like a "Big boy" and tidying up a little, but I took him to bed after showing my parents out as the clock strikes midnight, him falling to sleep seconds after his head hit the pillow. I undress wearily, throwing on a robe and entering the bathroom to apply my creams and such, spotting Lindsey's blurred outline in the shower. I am suddenly overcome with an urge to be near him, and throw off the robe, opening the door and taking his face into my hands as we kiss.
"Hello to you too."
He soon feels my body but stops as I reach for him.
"I don't think we should...In here...I don't want to hurt the baby."
I tilt my head to the side, admiring his caution.

***

"So have you been thinking of any names?" Lindsey asked as he breathlessly kissed my head, fixing his boxer shorts.
"I'm only ten weeks Lindsey!"
"Hey I was just wondering, you used to tell me names you liked all the time, even before..." He sighed, thinking of the miscarriage.
"Lily, that would've been her name."
"I know Stevie, not a day goes by..." I held back tears, and we lay in silence for a long time, my neck hidden in his chest.
"I think you should name her Linds."

***

I woke up with chills staggering to the bathroom, just managing to vomit into the toilet bowl, the proximity of my face to it making me wretch more. "Steph?"
I grunted a response as butt-naked Lindsey came in, obviously woken by my noise.
"S-sorry but..." I cut off my own apology with another wretch.
"It's ok, it's ok," he rubbed my back, knowing how much I hate being sick.
"God I'm useless already," I try to laugh as I clean myself up in the mirror, noticing the prominent grey bags under my eyes, having already lost sleep in the middle of the night with Sara. "Maybe I should sleep in a different room with the monitor so she doesn't wake us both up."
"No, I...That wouldn't be fair."
"Is it just that you'd miss me?" He nuzzles my neck and I swat him off.
"So arrogant!" I giggle.
"Well it is basically half my fault you're like this, so I gotta take help you out anyway I can," he winks, squeezing my ass.
"I don't regret a second of it," I tell him seriously, patting his face.
"Now get back into bed woman."
"B-"
"Stevie, the doctor said you need to be extra careful remember! I'll bring you breakfast."