The Years Disappeared

Questions & Answers

My parents drove home in the morning after we thanked them for their help, the kids practically clinging onto them and begging them to visit again as soon as possible- which they promised of course. Leia, Joe, and Bella were still complaining about their leaving as I drove them to school, apparently being too young to understand that people in their sixties need a break from people under the age of nine! No one could be seen or heard when I returned to the house, and so I called out for Karen or Lindsey, receiving no reply despite all our cars being in the drive. Stepping onto the patio to catch some fresh air, I found Lindsey and Sara on the swing-seat. I was awkwardly obliged to greet him, after not having spoken to him since our incident in the kitchen.
"Oh, hi."
"The appointment is in an hour, you think we should get going soon."
"Of course, I'm just grabbing some breakfast, do you want anything?"
"No thanks."
I stepped back inside, leaning on the counter as I ran my hands through my hair. Me and Lindsey had been getting on well for the most part recently, but now his impartiality towards me since our disagreement in bed had me stressed out. We don't speak at all for the whole car journey to the doctor's office, and my stomach is in knots as I unbuckle Sara from her car seat and place her in her carry-on before we walk across the parking lot.

"Yes, Mrs. Buckingham it's definitely a girl."
"My doctor in DC said the same, but he also said that my youngest daughter was a boy so I just wanted to make sure."
"And your cervix appears absolutely normal, it's a misconception that having pregnancies closer together weakens it particularly, unless you'd had a stitch procedure which you of course didn't."

"You were quiet in there," I finally tell Lindsey as we're turning onto the freeway.
"Yeh well I was doing a lot of thinking."
"About?"
"Um...Lots of things."
"Example?"
"What, I'm not allowed to think now?"
"That's not what I said and you know it."
"Sure sounded like it was to me."
"Stop the car."
He laughed.
"Don't be stupid."
"Just stop the fucking car Lindsey!" I yell and he pulls up with a glare at me, reaching through the seats to shush Sara as I just make it out to vomit on the grass beside the road, my hands and legs shaking as my head spins.
"Why didn't you just say?" He asks behind me once I've jumped back into the passenger seat.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"I just want to go home."

I slept away the afternoon, and woke to fix some lunch as Karen brought Leia back from nursery, then Joe and Bella back from school a few hours later when I began dinner. I was in deep contemplation while stirring the sauce with one hand, when Bella spoke to me from the table where she was teaching Leia and Joe how to colour better.
"Mom?"
"Yes Bella."
"Why are you holding your tummy like that?"
"I..."
"There is another baby in there?" Joe directed to question at his older sister rather than me.
"There is, it's a little girl." I gave in and told them, not wishing to lie about something so important.
Bella gasped and came over to hug my middle very cautiously, encouraging Joe to join her in placing an ear against it.
"You won't be able to hear or feel anything for quite a few weeks yet, she's so tiny at the moment that even I can't feel anything."
"Why can't it be a boy? Can you change her mommy, pleeeease?" Joe jumped up and down with his hands in prayer.
"Honey we don't get to choose, anyway don't you wanna be the only boy?"
He shook his head in deep offence.
"Uh uh, I want someone to play with!"
"You play with us!" Bella reprimanded, rolling her eyes.
"Only sometimes!" He blushed.
"Sometimes everyday..." She scoffed.
"Joe, I saw you in those princess heels..." I admit, raising my eyebrows at him.
"Leia put them on me because I wouldn't do her dare!"
"Where is Leia?"
I looked to see the table empty but for Sara in her high chair. Having a feeling about the cause of her disappearance I told Karen to mind the others while I handled her, finding her huddled up on the staircase within seconds.
"Leia sweetheart, why did you run off?"
"I didn't, I walked."
"Ok, well why did you leave the kitchen?" I calmly rephrased.
She lifted her head from where it was nestled between her knees.
"Leia...I'm not moving until you tell me why.
"You h-had Sara and you played w-with me lesser, and now you're going to like this new baby even more than you liked h-her."
"That is not true! I always play with you, and I love all of you, your sisters and your brother the same and that will never change, you know that!"
"But I started the nursery this week and now you stay with Sara all day and not with me!"
"Sweetie you're only there in the mornings, and you can make lots of little friends your age, instead of just boring old me. Sara is way too little to go anywhere without me, you know I have to feed her and change her lots of times, and she has to nap just like you did when you were a baby. You're a bigger girl now!"
"That's what daddy always tells me when I'm sad."
"Are you still sad?"
"A little bit."
"Everyone is always a little bit sad you know," I pull her closer to me. "But most of you is always happy, right?"
"Yes mommy."
"Then I don't need to be worried."
We stayed in this silent embrace for a some time.

"Mommy what's wrong? I didn't mean to upsetted you!" Leia crawled onto my lap, wrapping her hands around my neck and planting a kiss on my cheek as she eventually noticed the my grave expression I'd allowed myself to indulge in- thinking she was looking away.
"Oh honey don't worry I'm not upset, I was just...Thinking about what we could do for your birthday..."
"My birthday!" She grinned as she remembered that it wasn't far away. "I'm gonna be four! Like Joe was! Do you think I can catch him up?"
"Oh baby that's not how it works."
"I was just joking mommy! I knowed that Joe is older than me! I am clever you know!"
"My ear's burning!" Joe squealed as Bella raced in with him on her back, both of them falling onto the soft rug in a fit of giggles.

"I told you to say your ears are burning!"
"That's what I said!" He protested.
"Ugh, I give up." Bella lay down on the floor as Joe marched up to me.
"Mommy when is daddy back home? He promised he would play with me! No silly girly games tonight!"
"I thought your daddy was here?"
"I haven't seen him today," Bella yawned from her starfish-shaped quasi meditation on the floor.
"Me neither," Leia whispered as she fiddled with my hair.