The Years Disappeared

Miracle

I feel nervous and hate myself for it. Me & Lindsey have been together for almost thirty years, we know everything about each other, and yet somehow I feel detached from him in a way I rarely have before. I once again realize that this momentary funk must be my own selfish guilt eating at me, and shakes myself out of it, today isn't about me, it's about the girls.

"Mom, Dad's here," Sara calls up the stairs, and I grabs my purse after one last look-over in the mirror. When I enters the hallway he's in that leather jacket he knows I find sexy, swinging his car keys in his hand. "I thought we could go to the beach?"

"Sounds great," I smile to him only, as the girls have already began walking to the driveway.

"You OK?" He asks as I lock the door and wave goodbye to Karen who is enjoying her day off by lounging on the lawn.

"Yeh, uh, you?" He nods.

"Do you mind if I...Tell you how much I'd like to f*ck you right now?"

"Linds, the kids..." I blush and give my best attempt at a cautionary glance, but the truth is its been too long for both of us, and I can't help but derive pleasure from his words.

"Hurry up!" Leia yells impatiently.

"Hey, no need for that tone sweetie, me & your mom were just talking, OK?"

"Sorry mom."

I turn to tap her on the knee through the seats to show her she's forgiven. Lindsey plays a selection of our favorite songs as we drive along the highway, eventually snaking round to the coast, and I can't help but sing along, reminded of our younger days.

"My babies!" I gasp as despite my size, I manage to squeeze my two eldest children into an aggressive embrace.

"Aww mom, we missed you too," Bella chuckles before Joe echoes the sentiment. Bella is at UCLA studying music, & Joe is all the way over in Boston following in his father's Harvardian footsteps. They had visited for the trial but it had been a somber occasion to be reunited, and I was delighted they'd come home again so soon. I turn to see Lindsey standing beside me, and I tilt my head to beam at him as he joins the hug, Sara, Leia, & Rachel jumping on us too. We all go for brunch at a fancy restaurant that looks out onto the serene & peaceful beach, and although like any mother I fear my children leaving, I half-lovingly & half-traumatically remember the stress of going anywhere all together when they were so little- especially when Sara & Rachel were both babies. I feel Lindsey's eyes on me frequently as we all eat & chatter. I want him but I am unsettled, he'd made it very plain he wasn't ready to forgive me yet and I didn't want to rush things but then end up back on square one. Excusing myself to attend the bathroom, I spent a few moments in deep thought when I fiddled with my earrings in the mirror.

"Mom?"

"Oh hey Bella."

"Dad just wanted me to say we're leaving in a minute."

"Oh OK, I'll be there now."

She started to leave but then froze and turned back to me.

"Everything is OK isn't it? Mom, between you & dad?"

"I...I'd have to ask him that sweetheart, we're getting along but he's still quite upset with me. and to be honest I can't blame him."

"Just...Please none of you do anything stupid," She said with emotion in her voice.

"Oh Bella baby of course we won't, we've probably been through worse," I assure her nonchalantly but my throat cracks. There was a long pause before Bella spoke warily.

"He...He had affair when we were little didn't he? I know you don't like to talk about it but..."

"I...Yes...But...That was a very long time ago Bella, and I wasn't exactly being the most lovable person either."

"It wasn't while you were...Pregnant was it?"

"No, no," I blinked away the pain I'd tried to convince myself was long gone. "No, I got pregnant with Sara a while after..."

"After what mom?"

"I...I walked into his office and..."

"Mom...I'm sorry for bringing this up now," she squeezed my hand.

"Don't worry sweetie, I should've talked to you about this before."

"I don't know what to say."

"Honey you don't need to say anything, but I think your dad would be upset if he knew we had this conversation today, so can we just agree to talk about this another time."

"Of course, of course." We hugged and I looked into the eyes of a girl who had become a young woman, a woman who looked so much like me at her age.

"We love you Bella, you were our first little miracle, don't you ever forget that."

"First little accident more like!" She giggled and I shook my head disapprovingly with a smirk.