The Years Disappeared

It's Going to be Alright

"Here, something heathy." I placed a plate consisting of a sandwich and some fruit on Lindsey's lap as he stared down at the guitar I'd placed on its stand for him so, he had free hands to eat. The complexities of Lindsey's involvement in what had been his own case prior to the shooting meant that Rupert had designated Isaak to handle it with Kate, but being a layer himself, tied to this hugely publicised case, and with it now being so close to his heart, he couldn't help but meddle.
"Oh, thanks."
"Are you going to come outside for a while? There's sunshine."
He bit into his food without answering me. I wasn't surprised, his stubborn silences more common than ever since he'd been cleared by the doctors to come home.
"Linds, the kids want to see you, I've been with them all day."
"I'm busy Stevie, we have to be in court first thing tomorrow. I'll see them later."
"What about me?"
He sighed as I folded my arms, waiting. "Thank-you Lindsey, I think I have my answer."
"Oh Steves for god's sake?" He eventually called out apologetically, but I'd already left the room.

***

I took a brief shower to wash away my tears, slamming the door shut as I got out, cursing as bottle fell off the shelf. Lindsey had almost been killed by his work already, and now he was breaking my heart again, spending more time amongst his paperwork than appreciating the chance he'd been granted to live.
I stood completely naked on front of the bathroom mirror, my hair brushed to the side so my chest was in full view. I thought I looked decent- not perfect- but attractive, sexy, though I didn't feel it, and Lindsey didn't tell me much anymore. I held up my breasts with a hand each, fancying them to be perkier than they were after four children, remembering how Lindsey's tongue felt on them and my heart aching as I realised I apparently couldn't please him like that anymore, grabbing my robe to hide myself with. Maybe I was being selfish, dramatic even, but all I wanted was him close after coming so near to losing him for good.

Collecting my messy, permed hair into a bun and dressing myself again, I returned to the garden, finding Lindsey lying on the grass as the children attacked him with tickles, Karen reading to Sara a stone's throw away. A flicker of guilt passed across Lindsey's face as he noticed me approach them. I told Karen it was ok for her to go home now, all of us bidding her goodbye for the weekend as I took the book from her hand, planning to continue reading to my daughter.

"Mommy! Help us get him!" Leia begged, waving me over. I obliged, not wanting to confuse the children though I was irritated with their dad; crouching down then getting yanked into the brawl by them all, gasping for air as they tickled me too.
Somehow I ended up straddling Lindsey, not knowing where to look in this context, but soon being forced to stare right down at him as he pulled me down for a sloppy kiss.
"Ewwww!" Joe yelled as he darted off, the older girls following him as Sara chuckled beside us, yet unaffected by such displays of affection.
"Hey, I'm sorry about earlier," he said, brushing some strands of my hair loose from the bun behind my ears.
"Hello Dada!" Sara replied to the side, making us laugh. I rolled off him to lie on the grass as he placed Sara on his chest.
"We've finished!" Lindsey told the kids, who were giggling behind a few bushes.
"We're thirsty Mommy, can we have some lemonade please?" Bella asked.
"Daddy makes it better though!" Joe chimed in.
"Well now you've hurt your Mom's feelings!" Lindsey said, aghast.
"Considering the only food you are capable of making is sandwiches, I really wouldn't get cocky."
"Ok, ok," he raised his hands. "But who wants lemonade?"
"Me, me, me!" The kids all sang in unison, tugging Lindsey's hands as I took Sara.
"Where's my other cr-"
"Leia your daddy's crutches aren't broomsticks I've told you, please give it him back."
"Sorry daddy." She moped, passing it to him.
"That's alright sweetie, just ask me next time ok?"
I stayed sitting with Sara for a while as I watched them all race back into the kitchen, the kids dancing at Lindsey's feet as if he were the piped piper of Hamelin.

I trapsed after them once I'd finished Sara's story, finding the children sipping their drinks at the table, Bella in charge of the jug; as Lindsey tried to balance on his crutches while pouring lemonade from another jug into two larger glasses- assumedly for me and him. "Let me Lindsey," I assured him, ignoring his grumbles, expertly balancing Sara on my hip as I filled the glasses, almost downing mine in one, not realising I'd been so thirsty.
"Ok I have to admit this is good!"
He waggled his eyebrows, "One of my many talents."
"What are your other talents daddy?" Joe asked.
He winked at me and I slapped his wrist, Joe looking puzzled.
"Music, painting, irritating your mother...And things you'll know about when you grow up boy."
"Hmm you also went to Harvard law school Linds."

***

The kids fell asleep earlier than usual, exhausted from their running around in the garden all afternoon, and high-energy games with Lindsey while I'd cooked dinner. The sun was just setting as I put down Sara, Lindsey finding me as I sat in her windowsill, lost in thought. "They're out for the count," he announced as I turned in surprise, not having heard him walk in.
"Good, but maybe this means they'll be jumping on our bed at six in the morning..." I speculated as he came to sit on the carpet beside me, leaning his head across my legs as I felt through his curls.
"Like I said Stevie...I'm sorry about being an ass before, you know I want to be around you."
"Then why don't you act like it?" I said firmly, bringing up my hands.
"I..." He ran his own hands through his hair, signalling his awkwardness. "I feel...God I hate these types of conversation."
"I hate it when you don't seem to want any type of conversation with me!"
"Look I just feel like shit ok! Can't you see that? I'm stumbling about the place on crutches here, it's fucking...I was just doing my job and that crazy bitch sent guys to try and kill me!"
"It's not your fault what they did."
"I...I was careless."
"Do we have to talk about this? I'm already sick of waking up at 3am and screaming because I'm dreaming about it."
"Whatever baby, I promise you they will face justice, each and every one of them."
"I trust you." He squeezed my hand, as he turned to smile at me. I batted my eyelashes and patted the space next to me on the window seat. He hauled himself up by the hands, straightening up as I leant my head on his shoulder.
"We need to be a power duo again. They are so many external forces trying to eat away at us, we can't do the same thing to each other."
"Let's go, Sara needs quiet." I took his hands to help him up, passing him the crutches to save him leaning down. He stripped and threw himself on the bed when we entered our room, his boxers leaving little to the imagination. I blushed as I climbed on next to him, already in my nightgown. I hung my feet off the side of the bed as I faced away from him, pulling down my socks, flinching as I felt his hands take my hair into his hands to expose one side of my neck, the vibrations of his breath against it arousing me. His hands came up around my waist, sliding down to feel my thighs as I leant back, closing my eyes. He pressed kisses against my arm as he gently turned me around and placed my legs onto the sheets, dragging his fingers across my breasts.
"I thought..." I tried to ask but spoke an unfinished sentence, moisture filling my eyes. "I thought you..."
"What?"
"Didn't love me anymore...My body is...Different..." He stared at me in shock for a long moment.
"Don't ever think that, OK? You're the only woman I have ever loved, and you're body is the only one I need. You are sexy and smart and caring and you having my children has only made me need you more."
He kissed away my tears as we clung to each other, his hands wandering to my breasts where he sucked and massaged, whispering the reassurances I'd needed for a while. Minutes later he had to cover my mouth with his as we climaxed, muffling our moans lest we disturb the children. After, I lay speechless in his arms as a gentle breeze from the open window cooled us down.

"I needed to tell you something," I finally managed to muster.
"Mmmphf," he grunted, tiredly sitting up. I took his left hand, bringing it to my lips, making him smirk. His smugness morphed to shock as I lowered his hand to rest on my abdomen as I smiled into his eyes.

"It's a girl."

He didn't speak a word as he lurched up, taking my face into his hands as our mouths met.
"Where would I be without you?"
"I think your sperm are like torpedoes or something," I giggled as he smoothed my hips.
"Any man's would be around you baby..."
"I am grateful for you too you know? You've worked so hard for us."
"I've made too many mistakes."
"You're too hard on yourself, if you'd made too many we wouldn't be here now."
"I love you."
"We love you too."
"I know baby, but I'm thinking we should probably slow down after this little one, lest the next pregnancy is triplets."
"Slow down fucking?" I smirked.
"Oh god no. The day we stop that is the day I die!"
"They're going to hate us in the old folks' home."
"Let them."
I laughed, burying my head in his shoulder as his hand found the region where a bump would soon grown and stroked, butterflies fluttering inside of me where another life was taking shape.