The Years Disappeared

Still Mine

My eyes rolled to the back of my skull in mild irritation as I heard voices in the hallway. It had been two months since Lindsey had moved out but seeing him didn't get any easier. "Hey mom", my girls sung as they all bustled into the kitchen, Lindsey giving me a half smile as he traipsed behind them.

The two younger girls immediately begun to chatter to me about their school dance on Friday, Leia being her sweet, quiet self and pouring her sisters juice as she continued something she'd been explaining to Lindsey about her science project. For a moment at least, I could admire them all. Things were far from perfect right now, but today I was experiencing a strange relief, a premonition that things were going to be OK in the end. There was a gap in conversation, and Lindsey seemed to signal something to Leia with his eyes.

"Sara, Rach, let's take our backpacks upstairs." Leia tactfully suggested, leaving me and Lindsey alone for the first time in weeks. We'd tried to go back to our normal selves after the case, but had failed miserably, even fighting like we used to over ten years ago. The hours after Lindsey had been cleared of all charges were a blur to me ever since, and the only thing I could remember was holding on to him for dear life when we got home that night.

There was a moment of intense silence before we both spoke at the same time, then proceeded to hastily apologise over each other, Lindsey gesturing for me to speak first.

"I was just wondering if you wanted coffee?"

"Sure, thanks." He fidgeted, scratching the back of his head.

"Uh, how are you?" He mumbled.

"Oh, you know...OK." It was at least half true, just because he wasn't around it didn't mean I spent my days wallowing in self-pity, I simply did what humans did and; got on with it- we had children to think about. For now I didn't feel like telling him about when I didn't feel OK. The times I would wake up from nightmares without his body to embrace; when I would undress alone and remember how his hands so often crept up on me when I usually did so; but most of all when I was just about my everyday activities or with the children and I would almost turn to share a thought with him, before remembering he was no longer there. He must've said something else without me hearing because my ears became alert again when he spoke my name.

"Stephanie, I said do you want me to fetch the mugs."

"Oh uh yes please."

I followed up with a curt thanks when he placed them beside me before walking to sit at the granite island. I walked over with the steaming beverages a minute or so later, giving him a polite nod.

"You look gorgeous."

I cursed my cheeks for their instinctive flush, but remembered I was wearing blush anyway.

I smirked, looking into my coffee before darting my eyes back up at his and sighed, "Lindsey, what have you done? Or rather who have you?"

His mouth gaped slightly but I let him know I was kidding, yet I'd clearly touched a nerve and so we sipped away in a further silence.

"The girls are with you this weekend?" I asked just for something to say, already knowing the answer.

"Yeh, about that..."

"What?"

"No, no, it's still set I just wondered if you...Wanted to come too? Unless..."

"I...What do you mean?"

"Stevie...I still haven't forgiven you"- My heart sunk. "-But you're my wife and I'm beginning to have second thoughts about us spending this much time apart."

"You didn't seem that concerned about us spending time apart when you left me." Threatening tears stung my eyes.

"I did not leave you!" He lowered his voice, "I would never...Leave you. Don't twist this around."

I couldn't think of anything else to say, and so I collected our empty mugs and approached the sink.

I rinsed and dried them before feeling his arms around my shoulders. I had no energy to respond, and I simply let him hold me as we stood staring out of the window for some time, the sound of the kids yanking me back to earth as he left my side to remind them they were to be ready to leave at 9:30am on Saturday.

I sat reading a while on the porch after he left, but couldn't concentrate at all, all kinds of questions flying through my head. At least Lindsey seemed to be coming round I thought positively, we loved each other and at some point we would get back to normal he just needed his time and who was I to complain.

"Rachel, you really do have a beautiful voice."

"Well I get it from you mom." She beamed.

"You seem in a good mood honey, did that boy you mentioned ask you to the dance?"

"Nah, I actually don't like him much any more."

"Oh why?"

"He made fun of my ponytail yesterday! How dumb?"

"You know, your father always used to tease me before we..."

"I don't wanna know what you two did mom!"

She giggled and I waved her off.

"When is dad coming back?" She asked in a more sombre tone as I walked to check on the sauce.

"Rachel, your dad just needs some space from me for a while...It's nothing to do with you honey."

"Don't worry I know that, it's just...You didn't...?"

"What baby?"

"I mean...Gina's parents divorced because her mom cheated on her dad. Did...Or did Dad..."

"No honey, I would...Me and your father wouldn't do that, and we are never getting divorced OK? I promise you."

"So he's just mad with you?"

"All married couples fight, and it can take sometime for them to forgive each other but it happens eventually."

"I understand", she smiled, and squealed as I ran to hug her tight.

"You're growing up so fast Rach."