Taking It

1.8

1.8

So apparently I've misinterpreting the whole point of these stupid entries. For this apologize. I was supposed to pick and chose key events that created such a moving story. However the problem with the story that i've chosen every day is basically a key event.

While there were a few days when I did absolutely nothing but sit in my room and stare at the wall, there were days when I hung out with Calvin. Those days were spent somewhere like the beach, orphanage, or soup kitchen— I found myself slightly bored on these days but tried to enjoy myself nonetheless. Then there were days when I found myself lying on a dock with Taylor, sitting in a comfortable silence. Some nights he'd knock against my glass door and propose a late night swim just to spend the night instead. Those nights were a lot more comfortable than the nights that I spent alone.

Then there was the therapy session day that included my father. I wont recount that day because the events are too horrible to recount for a third time. The session directly after that was with Cassidy and putting our differences aside to make promises that neither of us intended to keep. Well so I thought.

While I tried to hang out with my younger half sister, we were just two different peas in the same pod. So the time we did spend together were limited to an hour, sometimes less.

Taylor started coming over my house late at night more and more.

Those nights that Taylor spent the night I spent the mornings memorizing face. While I was relaxed and content he wasn't. Every morning I found myself massaging away the crease between his eyebrows, which surprisingly worked. Afterwards he would pull me in closer and nestle his head against my chest.

This never lasted long because I was still working on trusting him enough to touch me. The more I pushed him away the sillier everything felt to me. Whenever I felt that it was okay for him to touch me, it wasn't and I immediately moved from his touch—no matter how tender.

One morning however I woke up wrapped in his limbs tightly. His arm wrapped around mine, pinning them down in place and his leg draped over mine. It was impossible to move. Despite the rapid beating of my heart I made no effort to wiggle out of his hold. Forcing myself to stay still proved to do more good than it did bad. For once I felt safe, secure, protected. I attempted closing my eyes and even tried falling back asleep, sadly I never reached the R.E.M stage of sleep.

My father had knocked on my door, which was locked, announcing that he was heading to the store and asked if I wanted anything. Taylor had jokingly murmured for me to ask him to get a box of condoms as he held me closer, which resulted in me announcing I was going to come with. This had upset Taylor as I crawled away from him and whispered for him to be gone when I returned.

• — • — •

In the early morning of some day in July I woke up in a hospital. I don't remember how I ended up there but I did recall the actions of the night before.

I had went to another one of Taylor's gig's. This one was also a pharmparty. I remember there being a dare between Alec and I. There was also a bowl of pills that came my way multiple times, sometimes I think it was passed me more than Alec purposefully. I remember needing another water bottle to continue downing the pills I kept grabbing. I remember going home feeling perfectly fine, relieved that nothing happened.

The rest of the events on how I woke up with a tube down my throat and vomit pushing its way up against the tub was a mystery to me. I didn't know how I got there all I knew was I was there because I had needed my stomach pumped.