Blue

05

it was quiet

silent, even

if you didn't count

the muted hum of the tv on pause.

she was the only one awake

per usual

because sleepless nights

happened more often than not

because sometimes

the loneliness was too crushing

to fall asleep

and other times

her brain wouldn't shut off

and she would just think

and think

and think

until nothing in the world

was right anymore

and nobody truly liked her.

this time

it was the loneliness

and her only distraction 

was a movie 

and maybe a couple of games

on her phone

because who was she going to text?

nobody else was awake

and even if they were

they could only make her feel worse.

she felt numb more than anything

numb to the pain

of being alone

of having the people closest to her

live hundreds of miles away

unable to see them face to face

no one to talk to....

numb to the sting 

of being chosen second

thought of second

never 

never

never

God forbid,

being first

in someone's eyes.

who would want 

to put an annoying girl like her

first?

nobody was there for her

and all she wanted to do

was cry

and sob

and scream

because she was dying

but she was numb

numb

numb

couldn't feel the pain...

all she could do 

was stare at the stupid tv

and try to forget

the crushing loneliness

that she felt.

maybe trying to figure out

her future 

had drained her,

made her walls weak

because imagining her future

seemed impossible

not when she would be alone

she wouldn't know anyone 

not in the direction

she was thinking,

anyway,

and being alone

scared her the most,

because what was she going to do?

how could she keep being 

so isolated 

from the people she cared about most?

it was crushing her heart

and she couldn't breathe

couldn't 

breathe

and why couldn't she breathe?

breathe

breathe

breathe...

then pain,

and she was suddenly wishing

for the numbness to come back

because then at least

she wouldn't have 

to curl in a ball

just to keep herself together.

she hit play for the movie

and tried to forget

the aching loneliness

clawing

and ripping

and tearing 

her apart

until she fell asleep..