Genre: YA Science Fiction
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: Prologue, 1-2
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I. OPENING
1) Cover
I personally do find it appealing. Maybe a little dark (not themed, in appearance), but the images are well blended and the text is appealing and unique.
2) Title
Nothing particularly unique or cliche about it. It doesn't stand out, but it's not too overused either. If it fits the story well, it could easily be the perfect title for it. Not all stories have to have unique titles.
3) Summary
The first paragraph was okay, but had a feel that was maybe a bit too dry. The first paragraph could use some polishing to make it seem less like an excerpt from a textbook and more like something to hook the reader in.
II. ELOCUTION: CHAPTERS
a. Major Grammar Corrections
Prologue
- "The detectors detected..." - This one stuck out to me a lot. The two words of the same root are way too close together. Consider changing to the second word to "sensed" or "picked up" or some other synonym of dissimilar roots.
- There wasn't a lot to correct grammar wise, but the flow felt sort of stop-and-start like. It went from omniscient narration to dialogue a bit too quickly for me, feeling to alternate between two completely different styles, and move a bit too fast. I guess the best way of wording it is that it feels like you are explaining the build of the world a bit too bluntly and not incorporating it into the natural flow of the story (revealing it through natural conversation or observation by characters rather than narration). This applies to all chapters, not just this one.
b. Major Stylistic Corrections
Chapter 1
- "She runs out to the nearby subway station, and to her nearby highschool. She arrives, and walks..." - I'll be honest here and say you've got a bad case of telling and not showing. "She runs", "she arrives", all in quick succession, with little to no flair or description. Instead of telling us what she's doing, show us. Describe the sound her feet make as they hit the ground, the smell of the subway station, the temperature and humidity of the air as she travels to the highschool. Put the reader into the scene so that they experience things along with the character. Show us some of her personality by her reaction to unimportant events (being bumped on the subway, smelling something unpleasant, etc). But don't just make nondescript statements about what she's technically doing (i.e., "She runs", "she arrives"). This applies for all throughout the chapters, not just this part.
Chapter 2
- You did switch tenses a few times in Chapter 1, but I'm REALLY noticing it in Chapter 2. I'd look into getting a proofreader to help you out with that. =)
- I just want to note that I had a lot of trouble with the setting of this chapter. The descriptions felt even more lacking than in the previous chapter, and frankly, all of the conversation took place in white room because I was so unsure of exactly where they were and what was happening as they talked.
III. PLOT
1) Primary Points
- The first (Normals) team lands on GH569
- They are allegedly killed by the inhabitants, which are not shown
- 50 years later, the second (Gen-Mod) team lands on GH569
- They allegedly come to face the same creatures the original team was killed by
