Genre: Fantasy, LGBT
Chapters: Prologue, 1-3
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PROLOGUE
An excellent opening! The reading came very easily to me, which is probably because I sense many similarities in our style and diction. 😆 You were great with the opening paragraph (something I suck at), although I did feel a bit of a disconnect from the characters with the way they were portrayed (black and white-ish). The bad guy was clearly evil, and the good guy was clearly good (though many of his lines felt cliche), although he felt like quite an arrogant hothead himself so that I had trouble rooting for him. I also know that the dialogue was meant to act as exposition, but it seemed to fall a little far into cliche-ish diabolical monologue for my tastes. The level of power used made it interesting, but I kind of had to suspend disbelief with how excessive it was. Then again, it is the prologue (rather than a first chapter), and I believe it thus far exercises its duties of pulling the reader in and making them curious. Grammar is stellar. Definitely points in the positive column for this book so far.
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CHAPTER 1
Thoughts while reading:
~ The opening was slightly confusing for me, but I think I've got it.
~ I don't like these Power Hunters much. I don't think you're supposed to, though. XD
~ Wow. Lots o' blood. Probably couldn't stomach the movie version.
~ If Seventeen is his nickname and not his real name, and he doesn't even like it, then why does the narrator call him by it as well?
~ I feel as though you don't need to mention twice that he is both his friend and his husband. Dedicate each reference to one (the first to him being a husband, the second to him also being his friend, for example). It feels redundant and like it causes a small hitch in the flow.
~ Agh I love that little twist. I've used it myself (the actually just a hallucination thing), and it really is emotional.
~ seventy five years? Are they immortal or just really old?
~ This feels like too many POV switches in one chapter.
~ "a millimeter of a second" - I don't think you can measure time with distance measurements.
Wow, this is a lot for one chapter! I think you did a pretty decent job of establishing the world on a basic level for the readers. I liked how you weren't afraid of gore, yet also didn't use it at every corner or in ridiculous excess. There were a few sections that flowed awkwardly, but actual grammar errors were infrequent. Kudos for that!
I do feel like I notice several fantasy cliches, overall (the personalities and moral orientations of the brothers, the dead-but-not-dead Lucas, the black-eyed clone, etc.). I don't mind a few, as long as they don't get out of control.
Overall, this does have a lot of potential, and could have more with some extra polishing (maybe another set of eyes). I hope the next chapter addresses some of my questions about who everyone is and what exactly is going on. :)
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CHAPTER 2
Thoughts while reading:
~ I might refrain from always using jewels as metaphors for eyes.
~ aghh yes, finally! A good Wattpad story with gay men as central characters! Not enough of those (I write lesbians and bisexual women, but I can't write gay me because I am not a man and don't want to add my probably flawed idea of that experience to the writing, so I'm very interested to watch how you write them!)
~ Oh da flirting watch me melt into the earth duuuude.
~ A decently creative way to cover some world exposition without forcing it. Nice job. :)
~ ahh, so there is a reason he's alive!
~ I would suggest not having the narrator describe Isaiah as handsome when speaking for Keino. Find a way of describing how exactly Keino finds him handsome, and let the reader draw their own conclusion that that's what he is. Having the narrator say it implies, to me at least, that it is a universal fact. I feel it would be more impactful if made more subtle.
~ The length and detail of the storytelling makes it sound a bit too much like the exposition you are trying to nestle in naturally, making it seem less natural. I can't think of anything specific on how to fix it, and even though it is a writer's structural nitpickiness, I thought it was worth making you aware of at least.
~ You headhop a few too many times for my taste in this chapter. I tend to personally prefer when it's told consistently from one characters perspective, without invading the other's head, at least for the duration of the chapter. Let us wonder with Keino what Isaiah is feeling in return, showing subtle signs to lead him to both conclusions (but signs that would remain rational actions from the POV of Isaiah.) Like, when Keino and Isaiah are flirting. Each are in the same space and are, from a reader's perspective, are experiencing the same scenario. They each have a unique perspective and thought process when it comes to the specifics, and while head hopping within the scene shows some of both, I personally find that it dissolves a lot of the mystery that comes with feeling with one specifically, wondering how the others in the room are feeling and only having access to as much of them as the character you're currently speaking from (3rd person or no) has. Again, that could totally be just me, but that was what I was thinking as I read it. XD
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CHAPTER 3
Thoughts while reading:
~ I feel like the exposition/explanation at the beginning would fit better shown naturally throughout conversation or thought process than just said outright by the narrator.
~ Drunk guy is in for it.
~ What does the Sword of Nathaniel NOT do? It's sounding like the Kanohi Ignika or Mask of Creation. (*cries cause nobody on the planet gets the reference*)
~ Ooh, cyborgs! You have everything, don't ya?
~ The story might be made more engaging by the occasional interjection of animation: show a facial expression or a tic or something to show us some of what's going on inside the storyteller as he tells. For example, punctuate his part about the pencil with his chuckling and shaking his head as if thinking back on it wistfully or whatever it is he'd be thinking.
~ I'm beginning to wonder why all of this backstory is relevant... A bit too heavy on the details, maybe.
~ Well... That was definitely dark. O_O I suppose I can see why some of that detail was necessary, maybe to emotionally reinforce to them whatever it is his point will be.
~ Why am I reading this before bed gosh it's a horrific story he's telling.
~ No point? I feel like he was leading up to a specific point with the story, but I guess he was just telling it to tell it...?
~ OH MY THATS THE POINT THEN O_O
~ Perfect place to switch POV, you evil cliffhanger writer. XP
~ Vinke is the sadist's paradise. I don't use that phrase lightly.
~ Ahh, layers of character development and realism are established with the secret relationship. X)
~ *slightly wondering if this book should be rated Mature...* ^_^'
I feel like you've broken down a lot of barriers that were assumed nobody would cross, especially not in fiction. It's truly graphic, and while I'm undecided as to whether I find it adds to or subtracts from my personal enjoyment of the reading, I think it's a difficult and courageous thing to do with writing. As long as things that horrific are not used simply for shock factor, but rather to further a certain specific and strong message (think THG), then you've got an impressively strong foundation here. Well done.
