Eternal Critiques

NBR || Æsir's Curse || @arathi1

Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: Chapter 1

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(SOT critique so this will be short, sorry! School starts soon and lots of prep)

I. QUESTIONS

1) The Poem: The poem was very fun to read, and I think you integrated it just fine, honestly. It didn't interrupt the flow at all, especially considering how plot prevalent it was. Then again, I can't really judge the poem, since I kind of suck at poetry and probably wouldn't know bad from good. XD

2) Narration and Tense: I actually did have a few problems with this part. I am, first of all, not a big fan of third person present. It comes across as unnatural to me. That is mostly a personal preference, but combined with other things, it kind of put me off. I also think mixing omniscient and limited is a bad idea. Just because it's intentional doesn't necessarily mean it isn't reading awkwardly. Being objective about it all, though, there were still several things worth looking into fixing.

For example, you switch tenses in places that do not need it. In the middle of paragraphs addressing present actions, for example. Considering you have to keep track of both tenses within the same chapter, I wouldn't be surprised if it was all just typos or something, but it jarred me out of the chapter several times and is definitely worth mentioning. I think that you need to go back over everything with a fine-toothed comb, looking for incorrect tense switches. Ask yourself "does the thing I'm talking about apply to now, or to ONLY before now?" I think the confusion comes in that you put in past things that apply to both now and before now, when the only things that need to be in past are things that ONLY apply to before now. That sounded jumbled, sorry XD

Another thing that might be worth mentioning is that, when it comes to the extended scene of past narrative, careful attention needs to be paid to the border between the two, the exact place where it switches. When it ends, you remain in past tense, even though you're back in the present. Again, I come back to the need for proofreading. I was jarred out of the story a few too many time to be really sucked into it, and that is major.

3) Dialogue: The dialogue itself seemed fine to me, though it did feel a bit off near the end, when Frederick showed up. I could have used a bit more body language, a few more dialogue tags... I think overall, slowing down that ending section of dialogue between her, Linus, and soon, Frederick, would be very beneficial. I'd draw it out just a bit more, letting us readers glean as much as humanly possible from simple body language and sensory input.

II. COMMENTARY

~ Basic structure:
          - Ellipses (...) are three dots, not two.
          - You mention she "faces her tormentor" twice. Eliminate one or the other.

~ This all is an intriguing concept. Things seemed a bit muddled near the beginning, but it cleared up as things went on, and I liked what I saw. I was at first confused and slightly annoyed because of that confusion, but an idea hit me when you said "what will it take for him to remember?" I'm feeling some hinting at the possibility that Frederick himself was involved to some degree in the story of her poem (which I assume has some truth to it). That's my only guess, really. Overall, though, this is truly interesting and mysterious, although I'm not sure quite HOW MUCH mystery you intended to have in it. There was maybe a bit too much for me. There is an informational balance that needs to be attained for the reader to be satisfied, and I feel like you've got the right amount here to work with, but maybe you just have it focused in the wrong places. For example, the whole moving in scene didn't feel totally necessary for the first chapter, and neither did Julie's perspective, but more information on the Council or more hints to what is true and what isn't of her beliefs might be more valuable to the reader.

Comment Topic: Could I identify her drive... I wouldn't say yes, but I wouldn't necessarily say no either. I think you leave it open to interpretation, and since this is a fairly mysterious chapter, I think that is a good thing. I'm sure more will be revealed as time goes on.

Again, sorry this couldn't be longer, I'm really short on time this week. Good luck with this though, it seems very well thought out plot-wise and I'd be interested to see where it goes.

~ Nik