TBG || Pheonix Rising || @BombDiggity137

23 3 0
                                    

Genre: Fanfiction (The Hunger Games)

Chapters: Chapter 1

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1. "Do my sentences run smoothly?"

Answer is mixed in with #3

2. "Does it make sense? Am I smashing too much information together?"

I didn't realize this was a Hunger Games fanfic til halfway through, ha. I see you added your own district, which is interesting. I would suggest recategorizing this story as Fanfiction instead of Random just to clear the confusion. I actually went through several stages, at first thinking it was just similar, then too similar, then an AU retelling, and eventually realizing a descendants story. That may have been my bad, but the confusion made it a bit more difficult to enjoy.

On the note of the question itself, I don't think you jammed too much in. I think that you simply have an overabundance of description in the first half of the chapter. The hunting scene, to me, didn't need quite that much detail.

3. "Grammar."

You obviously have a great vocabulary and command of words. Honestly, the only things I was picking up on strictly grammar wise were misspellings and a few awkward phrases or bits of repetition. I'd mostly suggest a basic proofreading, which should smooth over the few places that are like this. I also would suggest some attention to the dialogue. It lacked in tags and body language, which made it hard to envision their emotions and behavior whilst speaking. Consider transferring some description from the opening into the dialogue and character development areas.

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