Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: Chapter 1
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(Extreme SoT critique, currently on a road trip with limited time to work on this)
READING NOTES
~ "sketches" feels a strange word to use
~ "spun" seems a strong word for such a slow feeling scene. It implies a hurry when there doesn't seem to be a need for one yet.
~ three dots for an ellipsis, not two
~ "ever to utter a sound" seems too strong a phrase for when they are still seeming to allow normal speech. "Utter" might be the key word that needs changing here.
~ a few missing commas
QUESTIONS
1) Description
Overall, your descriptions seem decent. Mostly, I felt that it was lacking in places where I really needed it to be there. For example, the beginning. I'm envisioning them standing on some kind of rocky cliff-like overhang a little distance from some form of civilization. Everything after that until they get to the gate, I really have no clue what is happening.
I think that more distinction needs to be made about who is speaking. The connection between the dialogue and the person speaking it at some places feels weak so that I think it hasn't changed speakers when it has, which is jarringly confusing. For example, at the beginning when you introduced Erin, I was not aware at first a second person had been introduced because there had been too little indication the person you started speaking about was any different than who you had been speaking about. The names have only been mentioned once each, which means they hadn't been cemented enough into my mind that I had noticed the name change, so a more active approach to defining the speaker change needs to be taken. Consider more direct dialogue tags, making sure that one can be absolutely sure at all times who is speaking.
I would also suggest shifting the focus of your descriptions. Your skills in themselves are very nice, very enjoyable to read, but I found myself wanting to skip through the parts you described and wanting more focus on the parts you didn't. I notice you tend to take moments of standing around to describe emotions and surroundings. I think you should do the opposite. Use the more kinetic moments of movement and action to accentuate the emotions they're feeling, and to highlight the things they're seeing. Incorporate their surroundings naturally into their movements. For example, you could take the moment that is missing between when they are on the mountain/cliff/thing (or whatever it is, I'm left unsure) and when they near the gate to describe some interesting motion Erin makes while moving, simultaneously describing her emotions over what she sees (the gate and guards, possibly fear, anticipation, anxiety, or whatever she'd be feeling then), and then, describing said gate and guards in the context of how she feels about them. Three birds with one stone: we get a pacing gap bridged, we add emotional context, and naturally describe scenery.
2) Pacing
The pacing of the chapter itself seems fine to me, honestly. What threw me off a little was the feeling like the girls' actions were being described a little too quickly. For example, they go to the alleyway, and Erin thinks about her clammy hands. Next thing, Tara is halfway up the wall. My mind was like "wait, now she's on the wall, okay." Even an acknowledgement of the fact she got up there quickly would justify the skip and make it not seem like I was missing something.
See there were a lot of extremely tiny action skips like this that, in themselves, were hardly worth mentioning, but built up on top of each other and ended up leaving me feel a bit lost. I couldn't let my mind wander for even a couple words without getting lost again, which is an exhausting state for me. I like to theorize about and envision the things going on, which most books allow me to do to some degree, but I can't do that if I have to work harder than normal to keep up with things. I, again, would make sure that all things said and done are abundantly clear.
3) Engagement
I feel like this chapter has a lot of potential, actually. I know I sounded very negative up above, but I'm super low on time and figured you'd rather hear critique than excess praise. Regardless, I'm really liking your concepts. It's very intriguing, and although your pacing issue dampens it a little, the plot itself seems like a pretty decent opener. I think you really started reeling me in when they found the man in the room; I could physically feel my interest being piqued by the brand he was hiding, which is a feeling I love, so kudos there. I might suggest doing something more to isolate and accentuate the last action/line, where she lets the sword fall, just for dramatic impact (ex. Ending with "And then the blade fell" or something more directly focusing on it), but overall, it just got better as it went on. I'm not sure I would read on, mostly because I'm not a fan of third omniscient, but I think that doesn't reflect on your chapter, and I'm sure you'll have many dedicated readers, exponentially multiplying the more editing is done.
Congrats on your spotlight!
~ Nik
