I loved Demi. I did. I do. Nothing in this world will ever take away from me, what she gave to me. This heart, that still beats in my chest was hers, is hers. Demi taught me some of the most important things in life. She taught me how to love, and how to be loved. She taught me how to be happy. Not the kind of happy where you're simply content, no, she taught me what true happiness is. The one where waking up everyday was worth it because I knew that as long as she was right by my side, things were going to be okay. I believed that wholeheartedly because she proved that to me.
She showed me one of the most important things that no one has ever been able to show me before. Not that I'm beautiful, not that I'm smart, not that I'm sweet. None of that. She showed me that I was important, that there's a reason I'm here. She made me feel like the world was lucky to have me. And I don't know if anyone will ever be able to make me feel that way again.
And the whole time, through our relationship, we'd tell each other things, just say all of our thoughts out loud. Maybe we would have been boring to some people, but it was never boring to us. I never realised what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find somebody who wants to hear about all of the things that go on in your head. You just think that things will stay that way. You never look up, in a moment that feels like every other moment of your life and think 'soon this will all be over' but I understand more now.
During our last embrace, I had never been held so tight. Almost like she didn't ever want to let go and I was so oblivious but now looking back at it, it was like she knew it was goodbye. All I can say is I would have rather died in her arms that night now that I know what happened when I let go.
I stayed at the party, dancing and drinking. I was laughing and having the time of my life. Little did I know what Demi was doing while I was enjoying every second that passed.
I left the party after a while, partly because I was too drunk and tired but mostly because I missed Demi and the way her arms felt around me. I wanted her arms around me. I wanted to go back to my room, cuddle up to her and tell her how in love with her I was. I realised I never got the chance to say it back before she left the party.
I made my way towards my room and I walked into what will be the only picture forever burned into my mind. Demi's fragile, pale body surrounded by more blood than I have ever seen in my entire life. Her wrists covered in deep gashes.
"Someone call a fucking ambulance." I screamed as tears gushed down my cheeks. "Fucking now!"
I couldn't tell you how long it took until the ambulance arrived. It felt like forever as I was knelt by her side.
"Why, baby?" My voice cracked as I used two fingers to put her hair behind her ear.
I didn't know if she was breathing, I wasn't game enough to check for myself.
"Ma'am, please move out of the way." A deep voice broke my trance.
"O..of course." I whispered, before standing up on my shaky legs.
I stood back, watching as they worked.
"No pulse." Was the last thing I heard before my head started spinning.
"Save her! Please, just save her!" I choked.
The woman jumped on top of Demi, giving her compressions, while the man put a needle into her arm as I fell to my knees in an endless amount of tears.
"Who are you to her?"
I stared at him before I spoke. "I'm her fiancé."
"Come with her."
I jumped in the back of the ambulance. I heard the two paramedics conversing. I couldn't catch everything they said but I heard the words "critical" and "lost a lot of blood" and I knew right then that it was bad.
I sat beside Demi and held her hand. "Don't leave me."
"Has she done this before?" The paramedic asked.
I simply nodded.
"So tragic, yet so beautiful." His voice was barely a whisper.
"Don't say that. Don't. Please just don't. Please don't romanticise cutting. It isn't 'tragically beautiful' like everyone says." I took a deep breath. "Nothing about all of that blood was beautiful. It was just fucking red." Demi's favourite colour.
He nodded. "I'm sorry."
We arrived at the hospital a short time later and everything seemed to be a blur.
"Take her to theatre."
My head shot up. I must have looked like a dear in head lights. "Theatre!?"
"She's lost a lot of blood, Miss."
Before I had time to reply, I heard him yell again. "We're losing her. Take her, NOW."
And just like that, they took her away from me.
I couldn't begin to describe to you how I felt while I was waiting. It was almost as thought my body was here but my soul wasn't.
The surgeon came out covered in blood and immediately I threw up. It was Demi's blood. This wasn't the first time this had happened.
He used his hand to put on my shoulder, I guess as an act of comfort because the next words he spoke weren't easy for him to speak, nor me to hear.
"I'm sorry. She lost too much blood. We tried."
I cried, I punched a wall, I cussed and I screamed, louder than I ever have in my entire life before sobs wracked my body. She was gone.
How could I not have fucking known? How did I not see it coming? I remember thinking that there must have been some mistake, so I demanded that they tell me the truth and even though they were, I refused to believe it. Only hours earlier, we were okay. She was okay. We were laughing and happy and I couldn't understand how fast thing could change. But then again, no body ever does.
Demetria Devonne Lovato passed away, Saturday the 23rd of March, 2015 at 2:47am.
I miss you, my love.
