I was quiet. Trying to comprehend what she meant by those words.
"Admit it, Sel." She whispered.
"Admit what?"
"We look at each other a little too long to be 'just friends'." She used her fingers to quote the words 'just friends'.
"Than what are we?" My voiced shook.
"You tell me."
"Friends. Just friends." I stated. "I'm straight, Demi. I'll be here as a friend and nothing more."
"What the fuck ever, Selena." She hissed. "Don't fucking do that. You don't get to do that. Don't be nice to me and treat me the way you do when you obviously know how fucking broken I am. That's just leading me on and giving me false hope that maybe.." She sobbed. "Maybe the girl I like could for once like me back."
"You don't like me, Dems." I argued. "You don't. I just make you feel like someone cares. I make you feel like you are loved. You don't like me." I continued. "You don't like me."
She sat upright and climbed over me to get out of bed. "Who are you trying to fucking convince, Selena? Because it sure as hell doesn't sound like you're trying to convince me!" She yelled.
And she was right. I was trying to convince myself that she didn't like me because I knew that I felt something for her. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel so connected to someone so broken but I was falling, and I was falling faster than an avalanche. I was falling faster than a shooting star and I had no brakes to stop myself. I was the ocean and nobody would ever own me. That's what I told myself at least. My heart wasn't meant to be tamed, not by Demi, not by anyone. I was supposed to be impulsive and reckless. I was supposed to be free.
I was quick to change the subject. "I saw Nick today."
"Do I care? No."
"What's so bad about him? Why don't you get along with him? He wouldn't tell me. He said it wasn't his place."
"All I'll tell you is don't fall into his trap. I did and it's not somewhere you want to be." She said through gritted teeth before slamming the door.
~
I must have fallen asleep because I once again heard the door slamming. I got up and there was nothing but darkness. How long had I slept? I realized I was still in Demi's bed when I felt weight on the mattress suddenly.
"Sel." Demi whispered as she cupped my face with her soft hands.
She smelt of alcohol, sex and cigarettes.
I heard the rain pelting down on the roof.
"Dem." I breathed.
"I'm in love with you. Yeah, its that bad. You're so beautiful to me."
I interuppted her. "Demi. Stop."
"Shut up, let me tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face, or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you're just fun and you shit all over me and and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day, to think about you enough. I feel like I'm gonna live a thousand years because that's how long it's gonna take me to have one thought about you, which is that I'm crazy about you. I don't wanna be with anybody else. I don't. I really don't. I don't think about anyone anymore. I think about you. I had a dream about you the other night, that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That's the whole dream, you were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn't believe it wasn't real. I'm sick in love with you. It's like a condition, it's like polio. I feel like I'm gonna die if I can't be with you, and I can't be with you, so I'm gonna die and I don't care because I was bought into existence to know you and that's enough. The idea that you would want me back? Its like, greedy."
"You don't love me." Was all I managed to whisper. "You're just drunk."
"I do love you. Why is that so hard for you to believe? Why is it so hard for you to believe that maybe, just fucking maybe there is someone in this world who is ready to fucking stop the Earth just for you? Why is it so hard for you to believe that there is someone in this world who would walk to the end of the Earth just for you? I am that person, Selena. Why can't you just trust me? Just this once. I am ready for everything life throws at me. I may be drunk but everything I'm saying is the truth. I don't want to even think about anyone who isn't you. I don't want to even touch anyone who isn't you."
"Demi.." I started.
"No, Sel. Listen to me."
"Demi!" I said louder.
She looked me dead in the eyes.
"I..I'm sorry." Tears started to flow from my eyes.
Just as she wrapped her arms around me a crack of thunder sounded causing me to jump and snuggle closer to her.
"Are you scared of thunder?" She asked, the smell of alcohol lingering long after she spoke.
I nodded furiously as she held me tighter.
I pulled away from her and looked at her, the moonlight illuminating her cherub face. Her dark orbs staring into my soul.
"Demi." I spoke. It seemed that's all I've been able to say.
"Don't tell me I don't love you. Don't tell me how I feel when you don't--"
I interrupted her again. "Kiss me."
"Don't kiss me if you're afraid of thunder, Selena. My whole life is a storm."
Her words hit me like a tonne of bricks.
"I know. But I love storms."
