Unattainable

Chapter 8: The Notebook and Years End

Chapter 8: The Notebook and Years End

Weeks passed. Brandon and I texted less and less until, eventually we stopped texting all together. About a month after we broke up, April told me Brandon had asked her out. She asked my permission , of course, and I told her to go for it, even though I was upset by it. I felt like he dumped me for her.

I began drifting apart from Anthony, Sarah, and my friends I sat with at lunch. Everyone was leaving our table, and before I was the last one sitting there, I left and began sitting with Joseph and Carly. I had been talking to them more in study hall and I liked them. They were nice and had the same sense of humor as I did.

A couple months later, Tiffany and I started passing a notebook back and forth to talk. At first it was just random conversations, usually about TV shows. Around March though, they turned more serious. By now, I had been sitting with Joseph and Carly for a couple months. I considered them friends, but I was questioning my feelings toward Joseph, wondering if I felt more toward him than I thought. However, I still wasn't over Brandon. I didn't know why, it's not like we had a serious relationship. I didn't know what I was thinking, so I wrote to Tiffany to see if that helped to sort out my feelings.

"Ok so first make sure that no one sees this entry. The thing I have to tell you that no one else knows is that you know when we were at Paneras a couple months ago and you said that I wasn't over Brandon yet and I denied it? Well the truth is that I don't think I'm over him and its been two months! I think that when we were going out that I fell in love with him and I still am. That's why I don't like it when I see him with April. I saw them today when I was going to C-Lec (C-Wing Lecture hall) for study hall and they were holding hands and April was wearing his jacket and all I could think was that we never did that when we were dating and I felt that pang in my stomach and that's when I knew that I still love Brandon. Please don't judge me. This was really hard to write, even to you but I was having trouble admitting it to myself. Please don't tell anyone especially not Brandon or April cause I love April but she might tell him and I don't want this info getting to him. I'm going to show this to Maggie tonight so that she knows. Thanks for not telling.

-Amber <3"

While I was writing this at lunch, I felt a weight being lifted off my chest. I saw Tiffany after then so I didn't have time to chicken out and erase what I wrote. She was able to write back and and gave me the notebook after school. I opened it to begin to read and I saw a note at the top that said *Do not read until you get home*. I had to take the bus home, so instead of reading her response and writing my own response, I listened to my iPod and talked to friends on the bus. I was nervous to see what she had written. I didn't want her to judge me or look down on me for what I felt. I can't help what I feel. I finally get home, and the first thing I do is sit down in my room, and read the note.

"We all know u was never over Brandon and that's fine. It happens. It's understandable that ur not happy about Brandon and April going out. It kinda weirds me out that they are going out too. I would NEVER, EVER judge u for that and u know that. Neither April or Maggie would judge u either. Maggie will understand and April will understand because u weren't the one that broke up the relationship. I won't tell anyone unless u said its ok.

-Tiffany :P"

I loved Tiffany in that moment. She had accepted what I said and didn't judge me for it. I quickly wrote a response, including my confused feelings for Joseph in the note.

"Thanks for not judging me. And I'm now confused. I mean, I still love Brandon but I like this other kid and I'm like what the hell? How is this possible? What do you think?

-Amber <3"

I gave the notebook to Tiffany the next day and she was able to give me the notebook back before lunch. It was a short note.

"Who is this boy u like? I won't tell anyone.

-Tiffany :P"

I wrote back right away since I knew she was dying to know.

"His name is Joseph and he is in orchestra with me. He is a violin and I eat lunch with him. He is really nice and I think he might like me. I find him looking at me in orchestra a lot. The way he looks though, it's like he looks at me the way Brandon looked at me when we were going out.

-Amber <3"

I wrote the note during lunch. Even though it was a short note, it took a while for me to write since Joseph was sitting right across from me as I wrote it. He was doing his own thing, but I didn't want him to look and see what I was writing. Especially since I wasn't 100% sure that I liked him.

A couple weeks later, out school had the spring musical. It was Phantom of the Opera and Joseph was in the pit orchestra. During intermission, I went out to get a drink. I saw Joseph and simply said hi to him.

"Hi Amber," he responded while smiling. It was at that exact moment when I realized that I did like Joseph as more than a friend.

The next week, Tiffany was bugging me to meet him. I didn't really want her to meet him; I was scared that she would scare him away. However, as we were walking to class one morning, we passed him and Joseph and I smiled in a "Hello" and "Goodbye" to each other.

"Oh my god was that him?" Tiffany asked.

"Yeah," I responded, still smiling like an idiot from out encounter.

"Dude, his face lit up like a freaking Christmas tree when he saw you. He so likes you," she all but screamed. I just shook my head at her before she left to go to class.

As my freshman year came to an end, I was almost over Brandon, I still had the text he sent me, and I made some progress with Joseph by getting his number and starting to text him. Tiffany and Maggie also said they saw Joseph looking over toward me a lot during our last concert if the year. I liked my freshmen year, it went better than I thought it would, however, I wanted sophomore year to be better!