OF THE LIKE

IV. BOYS CHASE BOYS SOMETIMES

when i was five my cousins dressed me up in the frilly pink dresses that they had hanging in the closet and collecting dust and they took brushes and sponges and painted my skin and i felt beautiful i felt like a god(dess) and we laughed and they showed me the leftover dolls that they had in the old ornate trunk at the end of the bed and i was delighted and i laughed and laughed and laughed and they showered me with glittery flakes that twinkled in the sunlight like stars at night and they played pretend wedding with me

when i was ten i snuck into your room and i pulled open the middle drawer of your vanity and i sat in front of the mirror and this time i painted my own painting my own masterpiece and you slept in the arms of father together on the bed completely oblivious to my existence and i liked it that way because although i love you you judge too harshly and too quickly and i knew and i knew and i knew that you wouldn't accept me because you were too narrow-minded but i dressed up in fancy clothes and red lipstick anyways and i went to school and i left a note on the kitchen counter telling you that i had left early with some friends that never actually existed in the first place and at school people stared and then they laughed some and poked fun but i didn't mind because i felt like me i felt free and that was enough but after school a gang of boys crept up on me at the back of the main building and they spat venom words at me that you had said to others i remember and it was that year that year that i learned that boys weren't supposed to wear dresses or feel things for the same sex and that they no we were made to be masculine without even a hint of femininity but guess what mother guess what

i broke the rules i broke what had been established perhaps millenniums before and i was okay with that i was happy because that was me and i wouldn't let anyone break who i was or criticize what i like and i still went to your second and third wedding after your multiple divorces even when you had aimed glass vases and lamps at me the previous year and i still lent you my shoulder to cry on after your third break up with some guy whose name neither of us bothered to remember but when i sent you a wedding invitation you didn't come you didn't show up and maybe i was okay with that because i got my happy ending and i thought that perhaps it was time to give up on you and i am sorry but i did

i will say this only one time for the last time and that is that i loved you mother i did very much but you didn't love me and you didn't love my sexuality and so over than saying that i loved you i want to say that i'm gay mother i'm gay and i love my sexuality and my body and i hope you learn to understand that someday.

- BOYS CHASE BOYS SOMETIMES [ALTERNATIVELY NAMED: IT'S A COLD-BLOODED LOVE BUT I'M OKAY - 7.1.16]