XII. WANTING IS AN EXTREMITY

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the heart wants, mine too much. it calls for something that isn't theirs, and all i can do is bear the pain. nobody teaches you how to love, how to hate, how to feel. how to control. they throw you out to learn, and maybe i haven't yet, not fully. but it's too late.

it's constant trips to the doctor's nowadays, and i return home with news of the results, not being able to brace myself. the only armor i was given was my words, petty things that don't get out too often because i can't i can't i can't and they won't they won't they won't. maybe it's me, maybe it's them.

there's a dull ache, but it's a constant one, always right there, reminding me of what i've failed to do or what i've done wrong. perhaps he loves her now, perhaps he doesn't, but i can't distinguish it. not with my heart like this and an anchor in my stomach.

yearning. it's all it is. the healthy family, the unconditional love, the promised happy ending. but yearning doesn't get you anywhere; you have to do. the only problem is that i don't know how to start.


- WANTING IS AN EXTREMITY [ALTERNATIVELY NAMED: HELPMEICANTREATHE - 8.25.16]

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