Looking Back

Chapter 1: Monday

I was sixteen years old in high school, with no friends. I didn't need any friends. I had a job at the public library on after school hours. That was one part of my life (the only part of my life) that I did enjoy. I got paid pretty well. At least enough to get new clothes and put food on the table because my dad definitely wouldn't do it. Other than that, my life was still a living hell.

My father and I would frequently get in these arguments about his drinking. Sometimes he would have his buddies over and I would stay in my room with the door locked. By the time his friends were gone, the house would be in shambles. And then out of nowhere, my dad would yell at me to clean up the mess. I would clean up the mess but not without telling him what I thought about his nasty drinking.

My life was a constant burden. I couldn't wait until I was 18 and could moved out and live on my own.

The library was my great escape. It was quiet and peaceful and I could get away from everything; school work, people, and especially my dad. No one bothered me unless they needed to find a book or wanted to check one out, which was another thing I enjoyed.

"Excuse me, "said a voice I recognized. It was Tanner Stone, a boy who looked like he would spend most of his time playing football with his friends instead of stepping foot inside a library. He came by every Monday and Thursday to check out a book and read for an hour before leaving. I just happened to pick up the routine after the first few weeks I started working here.

"Yes." I took my reading glasses off and looked up at him. From where I was sitting, Tanner looked taller than his six feet two inch stature. He had curly dark hair and beautiful light blue eyes that reminded me of crystal clear water. He was any girls dream. He had the highest grades in the class and had natural born talent in just about everything. Though he wasn't drop dead gorgeous, his charm and personality would make you want to get to know him more. He always draws the girl's attention, but he never seems to notice. It's like he looks straight past them as if they were not good enough for him.

But unlike the other girls, I avoid coming into contact with him. He isn't my type and it's not like he would be interested in a girl like me anyways.

"I'm looking for a book. The Ted Dekker circle series."

"They should be where you got the other ones," I suggested with high impertinence.

"I checked, but I didn't see them."

"Well then, somebody already must have checked them out."

"Do you know who checked them out?"

"No, but I can find out." I turned toward the computer and pulled up the checked out file.

"No, that's okay," he suggested. "I'll find something else. Thanks anyway."

I didn't look up as I heard him walk away. I thought of my rude behavior toward him and sighed. Why should I be mad at him when he didn't do anything to me? He just wanted to look for a book. While looking in the checked out file with my guilty conscience bugging me, I found out that the book he was looking for wasn't checked out. So instead of being rude and letting him find a different book, I got up and went to where he was standing. And right in front of him was the book he was looking for.

"Excuse me," I said politely as I moved to stand beside him. "Is this the book you were looking for?" I said pointing at it.

"Oh! How did I not see that?" he asked laying the palm of his hand on his forehead.

"Don't worry. People do this all the time." I took the book from the shelf and handed it to him before heading back to my desk with Tanner right behind me. Once I sat down, I asked, "Is this book any good?"

"Yes. Very. You should read 'obsessed'. It's a good book too." He smiled showing perfectly straight, white teeth. He handed me the book so I could check it out for him.  I handed it back to him.

"I'll have to check it out and see if it is any good."

"Believe me. It is," he said reassuring me. "Thank you for helping me find this."

"You're welcome," I said turning to my computer.

"See you tomorrow."

I let him walk off without a response.

When it was time to close, I helped turn off computers and lights. When we finished locking all of the doors, I started to walk home. The small town was quiet at night. There wasn't that much stuff to do when it was cold. I could have gotten a ride home, but I didn't want to. I dreaded going to my house. I would love to go anywhere else but home. I didn't care if I had to stand outside in the rain or walk in the cold like I was doing now. I just didn't want to go home. I took slow steps on my way home to prolong the moment of not being in my father's presence, but every time I got home, it didn't seem long enough.

Thirty minutes after walking in the freezing cold, I arrived at my apartment and went inside. The first thing I noticed was the familiar, nauseating smell of beer and cigarette smoke. I wanted to turn around and walk back outside so I wouldn't have to be reminded of what I lived with. Some of my dad's drinking buddies were over. I avoided eye contact and went straight down the narrow hall to my room. The smell continued to just barely travel in my room, but I didn't worry about that. I sprayed tons of febreeze. When I finished refreshing my room, I sat on my bed and lifted up my pillow where I left my journal.

I didn't decide to keep a journal until this summer. It was something I kept to myself and would keep for the rest of my life, but before I started writing, I got up and locked the padlock that was on my bedroom door. I didn't trust any of my dad's friends. I could tell they had dirty minds by the way they looked at me and I wasn't taking any chances even though they never tried to do anything stupid. When I was sitting on my bed again with my journal in my lap and a pen in my hand, I began to write:

January 25, 2010

My life is the same. Boring... I don't see why I was even born in the first place. My dad still continues to drink with his perverted friends and I haven't heard from my mom since I was three years old. Why is there life and why do I live? Some moments I feel like killing myself, but I'm not ready to find out if hell is real or not. Anyways school was boring like always. But work at the library was very interesting...

I continued writing about my day at work. And finished off with wishing my life would see brighter days. But who was I kidding? My life wasn't going to get any better.