Looking Back

Chapter 2: Tuesday

The next morning as I got ready for school, I took a shower using my favorite vanilla body wash. I loved the smell of it. It made me want vanilla ice cream which was also my favorite. When I finished my shower, I got out and wrapped myself up in a towel and wiped off the foggy mirror. I noticed while brushing my curly, coarse red hair that I needed a haircut. When I finished drying off, I sprayed 'vanilla mist' on myself and got dressed in dark blue skinny jeans, furry boots, and a olive green long sleeve shirt. Most days I feel like I'm too dressed up, but I loved the compliments I got, especially from Jake.

Jake was my little man, a first grader that I read to on Tuesdays during activity period in the school library. Today when I arrived he already had a book picked out. A big book.

"Tamara, I want you to read this one!" he exclaimed excitedly. His blond head was bobbing up and down as he jumped with a big book in his arms. His innocent sea green eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Shhh, remember we have to use our inside voices." I whispered.

"Oops."

I laughed quietly. "That's a big book. Do you think you can read all of that?"

"Nope," He smiled. "I want you to read it to me."

"Okay." I put my hand on his back and led him into the den with the comfortable pillows and big bean bags and once we were sitting down and comfortable, I began to read.

I started reading to Jake when the principal announced volunteering to read to lower classmen. I loved kids and I loved to read, so I put the two together and this is what I got. It seemed like the perfect thing for me to do. It would also look good on a college resume. When the twenty minutes of reading time was up, I walked Jake to his class. They were inside for recess, because it was too cold to be outside. Almost immediately old memories from my past began to overwhelm me, but before the pain could engulf me, I shook my head and ruffled Jakes hair.

"Thank you for reading to me, Tamara," he said in his little guy voice.

"You're welcome."

And taking me by surprise, he  wrapped his little arms around my stomach in an embrace. I froze. When was the last time I ever been hugged or cradled? Before Jake entered the classroom, I hugged him back. When I released him, tears were in my eyes. I quickly blinked them back and opened the door for him. After saying hi to all of the students and teachers a smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I turned around and headed toward the lunchroom.

At lunch today I sat by myself as usual which didn't bother me at all. I was a loner. I had no friends to talk to or hang out with.  It was just me and myself. Being alone wasn't such a bad thing. It gave me a chance to observe the things around me and gave me time to think about certain things like: Why was I born? Why was anyone born? We were all going to die one day, weren't we?

All through lunch I pondered over stuff like this for a while until it seemed that there wasn't an exact answer.

After school, I went straight to the library. It was just up the street from the school. When I arrived, Felisha, a semi-chocolate skinned woman, the head librarian, had me straighten up books in all the shelves and make sure they were in alphabetical order.

"Tamara," said Felisha peeking through the door. "I bought food. You can take a break."

"Let me finish up first, okay?" I said being dedicated to my work even though I was starved.

"It's going to be a while before you finish with that. Come on. You haven't eaten since lunch. You can finish it later."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She gave me an encouraging smile.

"Okay. Thanks." I smiled.

Felisha was the closest person that represented a mom in my life. She always complimented my work and pushed me to become the best, but there was something about her that was different. She always had a smile on her face. It was like her happiness shone light on the darkest places. A light that couldn't be distinguished. Besides the boss-worker relationship we had, I got to know Felisha for who she really is. She was single (I never understood why). She was gorgeous on the inside as well as the out, like an angel. Instead of being getting angry or impatient when I made a mistake, she never got frustrated, not once.

Like the first day I started working, she gave me the job of rearranging books and making sure they were in alphabetical order also grouped and sorted in their categories. When I was working from shelf to shelf somehow I over looked one and Felisha noticed, but instead of her getting angry and firing me like I thought she would, she corrected my mistake and moved on. It surprised me, because she could have been angry and saw I wasn't worth her time, but she didn't. It was like she didn't even see my mistake at all.

I thought it was strange.

While we were eatting Felisha asked how my day went.

"Good, I guess." I looked at her.

"Did you make any friends?" she asked slightly pushing.

"No."

"Just wait. One will come," she said hopefully.

I gave her a worried look. In return, she gave me an encouraging smile. I'd doubt I would make any friends. It's been years and I still haven't made a friend.

"I read to Jake today," I said changing the subject.

"Really? What did you read?"

"Some book called Eragon. It was a big book." I smiled remembering Jake with the huge book in his arms carrying it and handing it to me.

"Aw, you are going to have bring Jake over here sometime so I can meet him." She smiled.

"I should, shouldn't I?"

"Yep, definitely." She sucked on the straw of her drink. "Does he like to read?"

"I don't know. He likes books." I shrugged while taking a sip. "I'm not sure if he likes to read though."

"Maybe you should have him read to you, too. That way he can learn and understand the meaning of the words you read."

I thought about it. It sounded like a good idea. "Okay, I'll ask him."

When we finished eating, I got back to work.
When it was time to close, I let Felisha lock up. That night it was too cold to walk home, so Felisha gave me a ride in her little Volkswagon.

"How are things at your house," asked Felisha when we stopped at the red light. It was the only red light we had in this small town

"Good." I lied.

"And what about your dad. How are things with him?"

I sighed. I told Felisha about my dad's drinking problem and my mom abandoning me as a child, but I never told her of my dad's abusive behavior. "The same I guess."

"I'll keep praying for him, okay?"

I didn't respond.

Felisha pulled up at my apartment and just as I was about to get out of the car she said something that touched my heart in a way I hadn't known a person could. She told me to give her a call if I needed to talk or to get away from the house. My first thought was to be rude and ignore her, but I thought better of it and agreed that I would. Then before she could say anything else that could confuse me, I shut the car door and went inside my house.