Looking Back

Chapter 24: Summertime

With it being summertime with a baby on the way, I needed to set up an appointment for the abortion. There was no way I was going to have a baby when I was only sixteen.

Entering the library, I went to Felisha. I knew she wasn't going to like my idea at all.

"Nope. No way. I am not going to schedule you an appointment for you to abort your baby. Nuh-uh."

"You said if I needed anything I could come to you," I complained.

"Yeah. I admit I did say that, but you are coming to me for the wrong thing. I'm sorry."

"No, you are not."

"Tamara, I am sorry. I can't help you with this. This is just something I can't do. I will not be held responsible for helping you end an innocent life."

I wished people would stop saying that.

Later on the night, I was in my room staring at a picture of me and Tanner. It was taken on a day that I went over to his house. We both looked happy together and so in love, but that was before that horrible night. Tears sprang into my eyes blurring my vision. One escaped as I was trying to blink them back.

I closed my eyes replaying all the memories of Tanner and me together that I could remember. Before I knew it, I was crying. My sniffing turned into horrendous gut wrenching sobs. I turned my light out and crawled under the covers crying myself to sleep for the hundredth time.

The next morning, I woke up confused. I had a dream that I was watching an abortion. As I was watching, the baby was struggling to keep from being taken out. The doctor cut the baby into pieces.

It was horrible.

I knew I couldn't go through with it.

What if that baby was me?

But my old thoughts came back to me. What life could I possibly offer this child? I could barely feed or clothe myself. It would be better if the baby wasn't born. It wouldn't have to suffer in this bad environment.

I considered putting the baby up for adoption. I didn't like it. I didn't want my baby raised by strangers, but they could give my baby a chance to live a normal life. I wanted a relationship with my child. I couldn't do it. I don't want my child thinking I didn't want her.

I thought of keeping the baby. Tanner's offer of helping me take care of the baby touched my heart. He was willing to do anything for me. Even claim and take care of a baby that isn't his. He would stay by side even if I was going through a rough time like I was now.

But my reasoning stuck with me. I couldn't let him help me. It was too much to ask for. It was my problem and to make it his problem would be wrong on my part. Besides it was over between us.

Later on that night, I wanted to call Tanner and tell him I changed my mind about the baby, but changed my mind when abortion kept saying it was the only answer. Besides it was over between us.

Long days passed which turned into long weeks. Long weeks turned into a month. I haven't talked to Tanner since the last day of school or Felisha. My stomach was slightly growing. Morning sickness was torture and hunger pangs happened constantly. My mood swings were driving me crazy worst than it was my dad.

To keep myself preoccupied during the long days and long weeks, I continued the story I started. It was about me. A girl with a messed up life. Writing made time fly by.

Before I knew it, it would be passed eight o'clock in the evening. My stomach would start growling. I stopped going to the library so I didn't have money anymore.