I don't think people know what it's like. To feel so far away. To be awake, but to not really be there. No one will ever quite understand I think. They don't know about the demons in your mind that drain the life out of you. No one knows how lonely it gets when you're up at 4 a.m. stuck thinking about what you could've done better. How you could've been better. Wanting so badly to be anything else but you.
Yes you may have 'moments' when you could relate. But my sadness is what controls me. I don't 'get better'. It's a permanent scar that will never fade. I've watched my whole world fall down numbers and numbers of times. I've watched people who I thought to be the strongest, break. I've been broken for a long time. There's not a time in which I remember that I wasn't. No amount of medication, therapy, love, can take this pain away.
When people ask why I am this way I don't know what to say. Everyone has a story, and sometimes they aren't easy to tell. Fighting depression, anorexia, anxiety, self harm, suicide, it's not easy. It's not even close. I don't trust people. I say I do to please others but in reality I don't. I can't. I've had so many people lie, be absolutely nasty to me. I mean I don't blame them. If I knew me I'd do it too.
I'm easy to forget. I am forgotten. No one really sees how sad I am.. I know I am not the best to talk to. I don't have much to say. But if you saw the inside of my mind you wouldn't believe it was me.
The thing is when you've had so much damage done to you, there's not much you can do to fix it.
He is my reason the live, ..but I know he is going to leave. And when he's gone. I will simply fade away too.
