This time around, it wasn't the same. What I remember from before was a beauty in my surroundings, though my mind was horrid and I could not resist the thoughts running through my mind of horror. I still has something outside of me that I could look into and see some sort of escape, and a promise that one day it might actually change. But inside my head I dreaded it, I was to explode into a bunch of tiny little pieces and blow away into the world, forgotten. But this time, that wasn't the case. I went into a type of space that I had never known. And though my head wanted to hold on, it seemed that everything around me wanted me to go back to that hell and stay for the rest of my remaining time. Dooming me to sit while the world passed by missing the beauty of life and the people that made it up. I don't know what it was but something changed, I realized that the only way to see the light of day was to stop closing all the doors and windows and not allowing the light to come in. I've tried so hard to make something out of nothing for so long that I'm starting to have nothing left to even start from. I know now that, somehow, I need to try to build that back up. And I'm still looking for a way.
My mind has always been a hurricane, things just circulate and I don't seem to ever be able to just look at one thing. Because they all are suspended stuck it the air turning ever so quickly, that they sometimes are so fast that they just turn into blurs of color and then I forget what really matters an start to grasp at the slightest thing to look into. And I end up being wrong. I often loose my insight on what has occurred to make things they way they are. I find myself running through a maze and getting so lost and desperate, that I'll take any turn, even if it's the one with the dead end, or the one that only resorts in flames. I am truly not one of great knowledge, though somehow I come off to be. I am not someone you can depend on. One morning I can be so intent on painting you a lovely portrait and then in the afternoon I would be shredding it to pieces and telling you to go and make a piece of your own. I am not a constant shoreline, I will just wash up and knock you over and then you rise and I will be nowhere near where you reside. I am a ghost forever disappearing from who knows where and showing up where you'd think least. You will not catch me because I'm really not here, I am who knows where, sitting in pile of rubbish claiming it to be the most treasure some beauty that has existed.
There are demons in my head. And no, dear, they will not leave. They haunt not only my nights, but creep themselves into every aspect of my life and I can not take control and know where my life will lead. I am not sunshine, for that is what you are. I am filled with darkness. And though I wish it to be the pretty kind, I am not. I will spend my days ruminating on what my world could've looked like in this point, if I hadn't done the things I have. The great problem my dear is, that I have done them. And no matter how long I choose to dwell on these events, they will never change. I can not turn back time. Though we will all wish that to be true, we can't. We can't change what has happened in this world. We all don't agree with it and we all have different wishes for it to end up being. Though I want control and I want to be the one holding the future in the palm of my hand I can't. I don't have control. And neither do you. Things will go the way they do. Birds will fly the direction they want to go, whether it's into the sunset, or right into the bottom an abyss. And I can not stop being sorry for what my my life come to be. But no matter how long I waste my time with it, I will never reverse what has been done. My life is the way it is. My faults, are my faults. Things that I regret deeply will still be here. And though I feel as it will sit there to haunt me. I should rather take a step back and learn that, this is the reason why things have turned out the way they are. And if I can't stop wishing it never occurred, then I will know, to never ever repeat my actions again. Because what has happened may have damaged some things. But I still have got a a lot of time ahead of me. With new things to come. If I can take what has happened and remember what worked and what didn't, maybe I'll get to make something beautiful. Maybe I'll get things to somehow be the way I want them. But must know that life is not all rainbows, though we spend our time chasing them endlessly. We also very often get storms. Even ones that last for eternity. We need to learn a way to get around them. To keep breathing as the noose gets tighter. Because there are ways around the madness this world has to offer.
