Man Up (A Brendon Urie/Brallon Fanfiction)

Chapter 11

The fear of falling apart.

Brendon's PoV

I run through the dressing room, vision blurred with tears, ignoring everyone trying to talk to me. My breathing quickens to short, rapid breaths that don't take in enough air. I run until nobody is following me anymore, out of the back of the venue, the cold air hitting me like a slap to the face.

Once I'm certain I'm alone, I allow myself to sob, sliding down the rough brick wall, putting my head in my hands. I sob until I've completely lost track of time, shaking, letting out ugly, shuddered breaths.

I can't ever let myself fall in love again. Love only leads to pain. Nobody loves me. They only want to hurt me.

The panic attack rips through me, leaving me with blurry vision, my heart thudding so loudly, the blood rushing in my ears. I can't breathe properly anymore. Vision spots at the corner of my eyes and I whimper. I feel like I'm dying. Out here, alone.

I fell in love with Audrey once. I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me back. She kissed me like she meant it, too. For a second, in there with Dallon, I felt the same way I once did with her. My stomach did the same flipping thing. Then I remembered how the first time ended up. I had to stop myself before I went too far with him. I look at my bare arms, disgusted at myself. I start scratching at the ugly scars, digging in my fingernails like she used to.

Why did I ever thing having bare arms was a good idea?

I hate my own body. I never hated my own body before Audrey began to point out every flaw. And now I can't see anything good about it, and probably won't again.

She's still ruining my life and she's not even in it anymore.

I check my phone for the time when I've stopped shaking enough to press the button. It's gone the point where we should've gone on stage, yet no one has texted or called me. I think about all the people in the crowd I'm letting down who've waited months to see me tonight. They all hate me now.

Fuck, I'm such a failure. She was right. She was always right. I pinch at my skin, begging to feel something. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. The thought consumes my mind to the point where it pushes a laugh from my mouth, followed by a manic sob.

Oh no. I'm going mad.

I lace my fingers into my hair and pull at it, feeling a few chunks just fall away in my hands.

"Are you happy?" I scream at the sky. "What you've done to me? Are you fucking happy about it?"

I know if Audrey could see me now she'd be laughing so hard tears would brim in her eyes. I crawl forward onto my hands and knees, still sobbing. I empty the little that was in my stomach out onto the concrete, screaming at the heavy pain in my chest.

I hate myself. I hate myself.

I sit beside a puddle of my own vomit for a long time. I wish Audrey had just hit me with the belt until I'd died.

The black spots at the corner of my eyes start to spread, until I can't see anything.

"Brendon? Are you out here?"

It's Zack. I start trying to pull myself away from the sound of his face.

"Oh my God..."

One of my arms gives way and I fall sideways on the concrete. My head hits the floor with a hideous crack.