Man Up (A Brendon Urie/Brallon Fanfiction)

Chapter 13

Time can never break your heart but it'll take the pain away.

Brendon's PoV

Guess who now has a therapist who comes with us on tour?

Fuckin' me.

I shouldn't be as happy about it as I am. I'm getting help, that's all that matters. They've put me on a variety of different pills by request. Pills for depression, pills for anxiety, pills for anger. They turn my brain to putty, but they keep it from thinking too much. They've changed me into a more idealistic version of myself. I need them now, to help me forget.

One more month of tour. I hope to be settled enough to go and live on my own for a while by that time. At the moment, I'm getting a lot of support from everyone around me and I'm so happy about it. I'm able to say I'm happy about things so much at the moment, things that I probably would've taken for granted a year ago. The press have completely calmed down on me now. I'm old news. It's a relief.

I've been thinking a lot recently about what Dallon said. The "I love you" was laced among other a few other compliments I don't deserve. I wanted to say it back, truly I did, but I don't want to make such a strong statement if it doesn't mean anything. I don't want to hurt him. I do love Dallon, as a friend. Maybe I'd consider something a little more, but not love. Not so soon. I'm not ready. I hope he can respect that. I was in love with Audrey once, the tiniest part of me still is, and it didn't go right for me. I don't know... I'm just not ready for it yet.

I look down at my bare stomach, at the violent scars that will fade, but never heal. I shudder as memories of my own belt lashing down on my soft skin flicker across my mind. I hear her voice, hissing in my ear, and allow a small whimper to slip past my lips.

"Brendon, you okay in there?" Dallon calls from the other side of the bathroom door. I tug on my clean t-shirt and pull the door open, emerging shakily and looking up at the taller man. He nods at me.

"Are you ready?"

I nod slowly, walking past him and slipping on my jacket. I follow the rest of them down through dimly lit corridors, with white brick walls and silver piping running overhead. Dallon takes my hand when we reach the side of the stage and gives it a brief squeeze. I miss it when he lets go. I slide the little buds in each ear and watch Dan, Kenny and Dallon take their places and begin playing.

I run on, mic in hand, and begin singing This Is Gospel. I feel real Brendon coming back, the one who loves everything he does.

When suddenly, I remember everything. I remember something the pills were supposed to stop, so I could never remember it again.

I remember writing this song by myself, with a chain around my ankle, alone in my little apartment, whilst Audrey went out and drank. She'd hit me badly, I was bleeding and crying.

"If you love me, let me go."

Everyone thinks that line is about love, or Spencer, but no, it literally means if Audrey loved me as much as she said she did, she should let me go, and be free. I remember crying as I wrote it, pulling at the chains weakly.

"'Cos these words are knives and often leave scars, the fear of falling apart."

Again, such a literal lyric. She was both emotionally leaving scars and physically.

And if I wasn't falling apart before, I am now. I start shaking violently, my heart pounding in my chest. I start to panic. I can't do this now, not here. I stop singing, and the rest of the band slow down in confusion. I take another step forward and my knees give up. I crumple onto the ground. Weak. My breathing is so heavy. Not enough air gets to my brain, gets to my lungs. I start sobbing in embarrassment, feeling crew and band members alike gathering around me.

Someone takes my hand, and I hear a voice.

"Brendon, it's okay, I promise. She's not going to hurt you ever again. Brendon, you're safe. Brendon, you're strong. You can get through this. You're free."

His constant, gentle comforting starts to pull me away from the blackness that was consuming my vision.

"Brendon, it's going to be okay. I love you. Everyone here loves you. You're so strong, you're so brave. You're safe now, I promise."

His words mean something. His words strike a chord within me and I feel my heart rate begin to slow slightly. It stops thumping so loudly.

"Breathe in and out, yeah? Focus on that. Brendon, look at me."

I struggle upwards, looking into Dallon's eyes. Suddenly, everyone's gone. The ten thousand people in the crowd. My fellow band mates. All the crew and paramedics around me. They muffle into nothing. It's just Dallon's eyes, keeping me sane, keeping me calm.

I want to kiss him.

I really want to kiss him.

But I can't. I'd never forgive myself if I did. It's not what he wants.

"That's it, just look at my eyes, and tell yourself that you're going to be okay. Because you need to hear it from you more than anyone."

My breaths shudder back to normal. I start sobbing and fall into his arms. Right now, I don't care that everyone is watching. I don't care what anyone thinks. It's just Dallon.

It was always just Dallon.