Please, I Can Change

Chapter 5

((Warning. This might be triggering. If you are sensitive to self harm or injury, PLEASE DO NOT READ. DO NOT READ I REPEAT))

"Its nothing to do with you, Arthur." I snapped at him, pulling my arm away and tucking it next to my chest "Don't worry..." He sighed, still looking shocked at what he had just seen.

"I can't believe it. Why would you do this to yourself? How can you suffer like this? How can anyone? And you of all people, I would least expect..." Arthur let go of my arm and looked away.

I laughed quietly and he stared at me.

"How can you be happy when you hurt yourself?" He wouldn't look at me but averted his eyes away from my gaze.

" It allows me to be free, I guess" I stood up and stumbled over to the door, looking back at him, who was still sunken on the floor.

"When I do it... You feel a rush-" I was cut off by tears starting to form in my eyes. I sniffed and wiped them away before continuing. "And that rush gives you adrenalin to carry out. You aren't thinking straight. All that you are thinking about is how it is going to be worth it in the e-end, when it's a-all over...." My body became tense as I felt all those incredible feelings and emotions rush back to me        " With every cut you feel powerful, but yet you also feel weak. All your emotions gathered on you. All the hate that is exposed-"

"No one hates you" Arthur interrupted "How can you think that? Not even I do, really. We all care about you : Matthew, Alfred, me, Antonio, Gilbert, Ludwig, Feliciano, Roderich. No one hates you.."

I chose to ignore but carry on with what I was saying. "All the hate that is exposed: it haunts you the whole time and it just motivates you even more. You constantly repeat to yourself that it will be worth it, how this pain is going to mean good things in the end, you are going to be....free"

-------------------------------------------------------------------*Flashback*------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had to do it. Sooner or later I needed to have that willpower that would motivate me to do right thing. Not just for me, for Monaco and Canada also, for England, America, Italy and the rest of the world. All I want is for them to be happy. They shouldn't live in fear of my name. The name of the one who will stalk you, get you when you are alone, then seduce you into giving you want he desires most, man or woman. I just wanted them to not be afraid, so that when I am gone, then they will forget me and move on with their lives.

Monaco and Andorra had left. One morning, they left me a note downstairs saying that they were afraid of me and were planning to stay with someone else until they felt comfortable being around me again. I laughed and screwed up the piece of paper, throwing it into the bin. What did I care? Of course, I cared about both of them, but I knew they weren't going to be the ones to sacrifice themselves for happiness. They didn't know anything.

I took our bread knife ; the one that we do not use very often. All the lights were off apart from the bathroom and I walked up the stairs slowly to where it was all going to happen. I smirked, it would be over soon and that was the one thing that I knew everyone would be satisfied with.

The door was locked after I got in, and to block out any distractions I put my headphones in. It would also be very motivating, I thought. Hearing the chilling beats ring through my ears, I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline. The bare blade touched my skin and I pushed it through, relaxing as I felt all the energy rush out of me. Tears pricked my eyes and ran slowly down my cheeks as I saw splotches of red drip onto the tiles.

Warm liquid oozed down my arm and stained my jeans. My face felt hot as tears poured down and I continued to lightly strike my arm. I felt faint, very faint and I took the knife out as I started to feel dizzy. I felt so incredibly invincible and I started to laugh quietly to myself. Taking a smaller knife, I couldn't feel any more pain and I felt my whole arm go numb. I didn't even realise how much it would be hurting if I felt normal.  One moment, I was realising the aftermath of my own special massacre. The next, I saw words floating around my other arm.

The voice was there again, telling me what to write.  I obeyed, and I wrote all over my body.

EVERYONE HATES YOU

YOU ARE WORTHLESS

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ANYONE COULD CARE FOR A RAPIST

GO TO PRISON ALREADY

YOU LOOK LIKE A STUPID SISSY

DONT LOOK AT ME, I DONT WANT YOUR STDS!

I began to cry, the pearly tears splashing down my face and onto the floor. I could hear all their vpices, all the pcitures of their faces in my mind.

"Slut" I slashed again

"Pervert " The blood spoiled the floor

"Rapist" I cried

"No one loves you. " Slash

"No one ever will.." Slash

"Not" Slash

"Even" Slash

"A-Angleterre. ." I cried, cutting through my arm.

After that,  I fainted. I had lost too much blood to stay conscious. I lay there overnight in a pool of blood and tears

I had to punish myself.