Secret Love

Journal entry March 2nd 1988 

They say the pain will go away. But I am not only wounded physically, emotionally I feel like half of my heart soul and body has been ripped from me.  

It's agonizing, they say the pain will go away...But I know that years to come no matter how much of my time past...It will come back to haunt me..  

At 2:34am, early yesterday morning, March 1st 1988. I gave birth to a perfect nine pound baby girl, she entered this world shrieking at the top of her lungs. 

Before that she was kicking up storms within me. Lindsey Came for the birth, the first time I had seen him since I told him five months ago, that I wasn't 

going to keep her. I can't...I just can't, I know that I can't give her what she needs. What she needs is a stable home, a mommy and a daddy who are 

always there for her, parents who can give her that. Lindsey and I can't give her that, every argument of ours turns into World war three, and I don't think

I can raise her on my own. I just can't.   

I didn't get to see her the moment she was brought out of me, Nancy and Vincent her adoptive parents were the first ones to hold her, see her, and breathe her, the second she was brought into this world.Lindsey hovered over me as I felt the last push release Her from me, afterwards he had the honour of meeting her after Nancy and vincent had changed her and cleaned her. 

While I was resting, I let Lindsey spend time with Nancy, Vincent and 'my' little baby alone. Finally, after a good shower and a deep sleep, and aside from the incredible nine months I had spent with her, I finally got to meet her. I sat down dressed ready to leave the hospital, when Nancy and Vincent wanted me too meet her. When they handed her over to me, I felt like I was holding the most fragile little creature in the world. She was so beautiful. She smelt of baby shampoo and hospital grade soap, and don't get me started on her hair!That gorgeous long golden brown thick mohawk that framed her plump cheeks, and she was so squishy. But I can't have her. That whole hour I spent holding her and singing to her felt like the smallest second of my life. I did get to say what I feel, and that was, that she will always be 'MY' baby girl and I will always hold her in my heart. Lindseys back to shutting me out, he wants nothing to do with me. I know that he really wanted to have a life with her... 

I wish her a life full of love, happiness and shoes...I love you forever Sari Lily, my sweet girl