Before The End (One Direction)

8. The Second Phase Of My Hell~ Acting Out Publicly

The song for this chapter is Happy little pill by Troye Sivan. This chapter is gets kind of intense towards the end, so I'm putting a trigger warning. It involves alot of self harm and suicidal talk. Use caution please.

Harry's POV~

The first time I ever preformed a concert while doing cocaine, I literally fell down on stage. I'd been high before while singing, but I'd generally restricted my use to minimal weed smoking. When I did coke, the screaming of fans was magnified, the lights were brighter and bearing into me like a million tiny suns, and when I sang, it felt as though I didn't have enough time to breath. My sense were overloaded. My thoughts were racing. I fell during the third song when I tried jumping from one of our stereo blocks to another.

To be fair, I'd made this jump during every performance with this set up and I'd never fallen before. When I missed, I slid and hit the ground sideways with a thud landing on my left wrist again. For a second, I didn't move as I evaluated the strange vibrating feeling that surged through my drug addled body. Then it registered in my brain that I wasn't hurt and that there was a stadium of 10,000 people wondering why I hadn't returned to my feet. Somehow, that realization didn't make me spring up. Instead, I felt the weird urge to laugh.

"Haz," it was Liam leaning next to me. He offered me his hand, with a confused expression, which I accepted. Once I was upright again I was thrown right back into a solo. I could barely remember the words and if it wasn't for Louis mouthing them to me, I would have mumbled the entire song.

As soon as that concert was over, I found myself bent over, throwing up in the waste basket of my dressing room.

"Harry what the hell?" Zayn barged into the room looking furious. I was still on my knees retching. He eyed me as if he thought I would spring up from the floor try to run.

"What?" I asked laughing slightly. I rubbed my mouth clean and rose. I actually found the entire situation humorous though there was nothing remotely humorous about it.

"You know what!" He narrowed his eyes ripping my jacket off of the table. Beneath it was three carefully built lines of coke, now smeared as a result of my jacket swiping them, that I'd put together before the show. I'd planned on doing them afterwards as a celebratory thing, but as I sat there I thought of a more generous plan.

"What? Do you want one?" I couldn't keep myself from giggling like a crazed schoolgirl.

Zayn looked at me in a way that reminded me of a what it might look like if I offered a dog chocolate infront of their owner. Behind him, Liam, Niall and Louis appeared.

"What were you thinking?" Niall demanded. He faltered, unsure of himself. Niall was never good at confrontations. "Harry the entire audience could tell you were higher than fucking Lindsay Lohan!"

"Firstly, Lindsay Lohan is like a legend okay," I began humorously. I thought with humor I could get them to back down and leave me alone. With humor, I could pretend that this entire interaction was nothing more than a joke. "Literally mean girls is the best movie out there. I dream of being just like her." I paused to laugh. "Secondly, I was thinking I could do whatever the fuck I want."

Louis looked at me for a really long moment. His face looked incredibly sorrowful. I almost wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I feared his answer. After staring at me, and without words, he walked away leaving me at the mercy of the other three angry band members.

"Harry, you can't keep doing this," Liam insisted.

I rolled my eyes and ruffled through my backpack for a piece of gum and my Ziploc bag of cocaine. Niall's eyes widened at its size. "You can't seriously be about to do that!"