Moment of Reflection

Chapter 5

"You aren't smart enough.
You aren't good enough.
You aren't pretty enough.
You. Aren't. Enough." The mantra pounded through her mind like her heart in her rib-cage.

Hot tears streamed down her face as she sat in her bathtub, the hot shower running, gripping the razor blade in her right hand. She had never cut before, but it was only because she had no place to hide it. Her mother wouldn't care. Audrey was almost never there for her anymore.

Pressing the edge of the blade against her wet skin, her thoughts battled between pulling it across the top of her forearm or not.

"You're a coward. Why would you want to hurt yourself if you want the pain to end?" She thought. Pulling away the blade, she decided against it.

Her mother and father were at work. Now there was no way her screams or cries could be heard.

Forcing herself to finish her shower, calm or not, she knew she would need to get out eventually.

She was frustrated, "Why am I like this? Why am I so imperfect? What did I do to deserve any of this? It doesn't matter, whatever it is, I deserve it." She thought.

After she had finished dressing, she took a hold of her brush. Instead of being careful when detangling her thick hair, she ripped the brush through different sections of hair, not caring about taking time to brush out the snarls.

Pull after pull, yank after yank, she ripped through her entire head of hair to the point there were no knots left, but it didn't matter to her, her scalp became numb anyways.

She trudged back out into her bedroom, collapsing onto the hardwood floor. She had begun hyperventilating from the mental breakdown that had been taking place. She screamed and cried, almost like a small child who couldn't get what they wanted, wanting the pain to end. She knew she was in a panicked state but it didn't matter, because no one thought it did.

"You're worthless," she thought.

"No one wants you.
No one cares.
Everyone lies.
Everyone leaves."

Her phone buzzed multiple times on her desk, but she didn't hear it.

Almost an hour had gone by before she immediately changed demeanors. Her tears stopped flowing, she began laughing at herself, feeling stupid. She thought she just figured out how to end the pain.

She stood up, grabbed her phone, still oblivious to the notifications it barred, and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

She grabbed a tall glass and filled it up with water. Looking over at the translucent orange bottle on the corner of the counter, she reached over, checking to make sure it had said her name on it.

The prescription was filled last week, so she had a large supply of pills.

She twisted the cap off, pouring the pills out onto the countertop.

Instead of taking one by one, she grabbed four to five at a time, tossing them in her mouth and downing them with water.

Five, ten, fifteen, almost twenty went by before her demeanor changed once again.

"What have I done?" She thought to herself, seeing the scattered pills left on the counter.

She began to panic and cry once again, her hands shook, she thought about her father. Her phone was in her pocket and she did the first thing that came to her mind.