Moment of Reflection

Chapter 14

With the help of Audrey, I managed to schedule an appointment with a counselor... I wish it was the one I used to see. But for some reason he left unexpectedly.

Audrey also convinced me to go with a girl this time. Thinking maybe I would feel more comfortable with a girl. But the thing is, I was comfortable with Walt. I had been seeing him since I was eight, when I was first diagnosed.

Then last November he disappeared. And my dad never managed to get me a new one.

I still couldn't get it out of my mind that Vito never told me he was married or going through a divorce or whatever. At least those were the only explanations I could come up with.

Last night, he and the presumed wife approached my register. Well she chose my register and he tagged along. Probably not thinking I would be the one doing their transaction. His face when he saw me though was indescribable. He knew he couldn't say anything to me, but in all honesty, I didn't want him to.

The two of them seemed to be arguing and you could see they weren't happy as a couple. Though that was only from the ten minute process. Still, I began to felt depressed, betrayed, ashamed, insignificant, and overwhelmed.

Immediately after my shift, I sent a text to Ben.

Daisy: Yeah. I'm good for Friday.

Ben-Work: Good :P I'll pick you up at 5:30, just send me your address

Now I was on my way to school, seriously not ready. I would rather be dead. Or even left in a ditch for that matter. Just something other than here. Besides that, I knew I would be presenting today which just added to it.

I parked in my usual spot. As I was heading to the doors, I felt my phone go off.

Vito: Hey... about last night. Can we talk?

At first I didn't respond... but while I was in the hallways, I decided to.

Daisy: I get it. Besides, you're my teacher. Things should remain professional between us. It's okay. Now please, if you would, leave me be so I can attend to my own matters.

After sending the message, I felt a slight sense of guilt. But at the same time I felt a little pride in myself. For once, instead of being turned down, you turned them down. I thought. But then I began to think again.

You turned them down.
You let them down.
They'll never look at you the same way again.
You're a bitch for saying what you said.
You don't deserve anybody.

Instead of fighting my own self guilt, and stowing away the negative thoughts, I just allowed them to continue, subconsciously agreeing.

***

"Human conscience at times of decision making may betray or deceive us due to conflict of factors within ourselves." I started, holding my worry stone in one hand and the clicker in the other.

Usually, when I had notes, my hands would shake and I would stutter... or so it seemed. So I began memorizing my notes, and I would go off on what I would say.

"The biggest paradox when making decisions may be the conflict between the mind and the heart;" I said before advancing to the next slide, "reason and passion."

"Shakespeare, in his usual self of creating characters who mirror society and expose human weakness explores deep on the lack of rationale or set paradigm in decision making, and action when at the odds of reason and passion."

As much as I loathed presenting, I secretly loved it, I was able to show off and set the bar remarkably high. I always made exceptional eye contact, but I noticed Vito focusing carefully on everything I was saying, which made me nervous, my hands sweat.