Have Faith: Life and Times of a Glorious Asshole

Fucky McFuckface, Little Sis, and The Unwilling Member of Team Shmuck Rocket

I shot a glare at the vampire. "Can you leave? We're trying to have a moment, here." I snapped.
Dawn looked between us. "You know him?" She asked, practically swooning.
I heard the boy clear his throat and turned to see him giving me a knowing smirk.
Oh, fuck me.
"Unfortunately." I growled irritably. "And luckily for us, he was just leaving." I said, giving him a pointed look.
He arched a brow, his smirk widening slightly. "Was I? I don't recall saying anything about leaving." He chuckled.

"Really? You don't? Maybe you should get your mental stability checked out because I can very easily remember you saying something along the lines of, 'oh, yes Ace, the Great and Powerful! I'll take my stank ass and lack of personality with me as I leave you to bond with your little sister like the respectful piece of shit that I am!'" I cried, mimicking his deep voice and doing a poor interpretation of his sexy-I mean, irritating accent.
My hand slipped as I wrote that.
I swear.

"You think I'm respectful?" He snorted. "Wow, you're a fucking idiot."
First of all, no one insults my intelligence.
Second of all, that's all he fucking got from what I said?! Oh, I swear on all the food of the world that is sweet and scrumptious, that boy was about to get the biggest ass whooping of his damned immortal lif-
"Are you guys dating?" Dawn cut in.

Her face looked slightly crestfallen at the idea of me and Fangboy having a relationship, (which I concluded was solely from the fact that she didn't want to see her big sister's heart in the clutches of such an idiotic man) her big brown eyes staring down at me in curiosity and disappointment.
Now, not only did I want to make my dear sister perk up and feel better; I also wanted to make a few things clear.
1. I was not dating Fucky McFuckface
2. I would never date Fucky McFuckface
3. The only day that would ever come in which I would consider dating Fucky McFuckface would involve apocalypse, virgin-hunting monkeys, massive scales of dolphin rape, and an atomic bomb about the size of Pluto. On that day, I would consider either dating or engaging in the act of coitus with said fucktard in hopes of saving my own hide.

So, all things considered, I took the question my sister had posed and decided to approach it with an answer. An answer any normal, logical, rational human being would use.
"Yeet. You THOUGHT. Like, helllllllll naw. HELL to the NO. Nope. He can hope and dream but he's never getting any of this sweet ass."
See? Totally normal.
Any decent, average human being would say that.
Totally.

I mean, at least my response was better than his, which was loud, unnecessary  gagging and a small mutter of, "she's got no boobs".
Leave my small breasts out of this conversation, thank you. It's not like I pointed out your lack of...life, you undead shitball.

I opened my mouth to make a totally awesome insult (along the lines of, "I know what you are, but what am I?") when dear little sissy decided to step in.
"Woah, there. You don't need to be so rude, Ace." She said, voice stern.

What.
The.
Actual.
Shitfizzle.

This little Blondesicle thought she could play mommy dearest?
Oh, hell no.
I'M the older sibling.
I'M the alpha.
Stand down, young'un, The Ace-inator is about to open a can of whoop on your ass.

"Fine." I grumbled, hanging my head in defeat.
Okay, maybe I'm a bit of a weak little hoebasket when it comes to Dawnie.

The vampire arched a brow at me, almost feigning surprise. He opened his mouth to make a comment, only to shut it. He sealed his silence with a smirk, as if no words were needed to make my current situation any more humiliating.

I scowled at him before attempting to put on a blank face.
He may have been an irritating fucker, but I didn't want to end up getting frown lines over him. As a mortal, you have priorities. And those priorities include not growing old and resembling a shriveled up prune. No offense to old people, but, I really don't want my face having a bunch of ass crack looking lines in it.