I Am Schizophrenic

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

No need to mention the nightmares I’ve been having all night; and of course I was shocked and confused as hell. Too confused, too puzzled to realize anything. I decided to  stay all day in my room and to keep taking painkillers and sleeping pills, to keep myself busy sleeping. What was I in? my head ached from thinking, and crying. Who was Darkened and what were those voices!? Many questions that needed answers. I was lying in bed nearly all day, I told my family that I was too tired. They never care anyways. While I was lying in bed, and my pillow was getting soaked from tears, I remembered my beautiful sister, Sarah. Sarah was the closest one to me, she knew everything and we shared everything together. We shared the same room together, although our house is huge and everyone had a room for themselves, except Sarah and I. we used to stay up at night and share secrets, watch movies and laugh till we cry. Everything had faded away, but when Jake came along, he made things easier for me.

I don’t actually remember if I slept or I was still awake; the painkiller drugged my body. I felt a strange noise in the room, I rubbed my eyes and went to see what was the noise at the window. I approached and saw a young girl sitting on the floor with a sad face. Her eyes were filled with sadness and sorrow. I wasn’t sure if this was a dream or reality, but I wanted to help the little girl badly.

“Who are you?” I asked her in a tender voice.

“Help me.” she said in an innocent childish and sad voice.

I sat in front of her on the floor, and started to smile at her to give her some hope.

“I’ll help you when I know your name.” again with tender voice, it was the voice when you’re talking to a baby or a little kid.

“I’m Christina.”

I was taken by the name, but convinced myself that it was just a coincidence.

“How did you get here?”

“From the window. I climbed.” She answered.

“How can I help you?” I asked her.

“Kill yourself.”

I took a step backwards, frightened and confused as I stared at her. She was me. Young me. how was it even possible to be..?

“What?”

“If you want to save me, you have to kill yourself.”

No, no; I’m dreaming. I covered my face and got up from the floor, heading to the bathroom to wash my face. But quickly I found her standing in front of the bathroom’s door, with an expressionless face and staring eyes. I turned around; trying to go anywhere. I heard her murmur “You can’t escape me, Tina,” “It’s your destiny.”

I ran downstairs, trying to escape anywhere. I tripped down. I ran to the backyard, trying to find anywhere to escape; then I instantly threw myself in the pool, going deeper and deeper, it felt peaceful down there. When I tried to open my eyes, I found her again, standing on her feet inside the pool, water entered my mouth and I started suffocating. She was staring again and said “Drown.” She disappeared, I was still fighting the water, trying to rise up but failing. Fighting with breathing, and trying to keep my eyes opened I heard Jake’s voice Everything’s going to be alright, Tina. I tried to find him, but I was too dizzy and suffocating. I was drowning, she killed me. all I remember was pitch black after that.

For hours or maybe days, I couldn’t feel anything. I could hear people around me talking. Was I dead? A question which kept spinning in my mind. I heard people call my name, but I wasn’t able to answer! I wanted to answer, I wanted to tell them I was alive. Too bad I failed. After fighting to open my eyes and breathe regularly, I succeeded. I opened my heavy lids finding my parents and siblings around me curious about me. “Tina, are you alright?” it was mom. I wasn’t able to answer because I felt that my tongue was heavy, so I nodded. “What made you drown in the pool!?” Tyler asked. I collected my tongue’s muscles to answer and after seconds I finally said “I slipped.” I heard them whisper to each other, and my mother gave me medicine. She covered me with a blanket and whispered to me “We’ll leave you to sleep now.” I wanted to say No, don’t leave me. they’ll kill me again. It was too late because they had already left. I surrendered and closed my eyes. Trying to sleep but failed. I heard footsteps approaching, I quickly got up to see who was it; it was Jake! He sat next to me on bed, put his hands on my cheek and said,

“Didn’t I tell you to take care of yourself?”

“I..am sorry.”

“Do not listen to them, Christina. Please.” He begged me.

“I didn’t, I slipped.” I denied.

“No, you attempted suicide.” He turned his face away.

“Jake,”

“Wrong. That is wrong, Tina.”

“Help me then..” I begged him in a broken voice.

“No one can help you; except yourself. Fight! Fight for your freedom from those chains they locked you with.”

His words made me honestly cry; I felt so weak.

“Who are they!?” I asked him.

“They’re the bad sides from your brain who want to make you end your life.”

I looked away in confusion and despair; but Jake put his hand tenderly on my cheek. “You can do it, love.” He sweetly said.

“Have you said ‘love’?” I asked him in a secretly happy tone.

He smirked and told me “I know you love me.”

I blushed, like really blushed. He knew! This was awkward. I was too shy to talk, I looked at his blue beautiful eyes and smiled.

“How do you know?” I teasingly asked him.

“I know things.”

“Psychic much?” I joked.

“Well you decide; I’m yours anyway. Literally.”

I’m yours. Made me shiver stupidly and my face was all heated up. Someone was knocking on the door, it was Harry. He entered smilingly and said,

“Hey, Tina. Wanna help me in my homework?” he asked me.

“Yeah, sure! Jake’s leaving anyways.” I told him then I turned to Jake and smiled.

Harry went odd, his facial expression was confused then he asked “Who’s Jake?”

I turned to Jake and told him “Oh. Jake, this is Harry.” Then I turned to Harry and said while my hands pointing at Jake “Harry, this is Jake.”

Harry blinked in confusion again, paused for some seconds then said “There’s nobody, Christina.”

I didn’t understand, what did he mean? How there’s nobody? Jake was sitting right next to me. I looked at him, trying to comprehend what was he saying. Then I turned to Jake and asked him “I don’t understand.” Jake didn’t respond, he just looked at me without any expression.

“Christina, are you talking to yourself?” Harry asked me with a low voice.

“What? No, I am not! I’m talking to Jake, he’s right next to me!” I explained to him, with a nervous voice.

“Ok, Tina. I’ll go continue homework.” He said in a scared-like voice, then he slowly dismissed himself.

I stood up instantly, looking at Jake in a confused stare. He didn’t say a word; I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked at the mirror, trying to understand what was happening with me. it was abnormal. Was I abnormal..? I went back to my room finding Jake has gone. He didn’t even say goodbye! Why was that? What was that? Questions were filling my mind, not finding any answers for them. ‘But, he was right next to me..’ I told myself. I covered my face with my hands, trying to get the whole subject out of my head. Then I started hearing hissings..

See, he left you.

Darkened. God, I wasn’t ready for her..

“Leave me alone.” I begged.

You said he loved you; but he left now.

“He’ll come back.”

Ha-ha. Nobody comes back.

“Jake will.” I fought her words.

Wait for him then, wait forever. Forever, Christina. But what you’ll find is darkness, dullness, blocked ways. Free yourself before it’s too late. Kill it; kill yourself. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself…

“No. No. No. STOP! YOU WON’T WIN. YOU CAN’T WIN!” I screamed so hard that my parents came into the room finding me screaming hysterically.

My mother looked at my father and said “We need to take her to a therapist.”