A Cold Wind Blows (Forgotten series, #3)

Chapter 15

A week later

The water swirled pink around my feet and down the drain as I carved the blade into my left leg. The relief the cuts brought was almost blissful. I had needed it. I needed something I could control and something that could drown out the pain that was raking my insides. Grief had sharp claws and memories had even sharper edges.

The children were my futures, my wolf's futures, but that didn't stop the weight of my past from threatening to crush me. All of my shattered hopes and dreams for my own boy were a heavy weight and all the grief I had shoved away for so long only made that burden heavier. It made it hard to move, to function at times.

I would be fine and then suddenly it would hit me, something about the boys or Nina would trigger it. It would feel like someone was digging their claws into my chest, searching for the pounding organ that bled pain into my veins. It took my breath away, making it impossible to inhale with the crushing pain that I felt from it.

I drew the blade through my flesh and I allowed the pain to roll over me, to hide me from the crushing weight of my emotions. I had discovered a calm in the physical pain that hadn't been there before. It had brought a faint silence and a lasting calm to my chaotic mind. It was something I was beginning to crave. The cuts on my legs swirled through each other. They had no rhyme or reason because I wasn't using the silver. There would be no scars from the cuts.

There was banging on the door and I closed my eyes with a small sigh. There was no point in my day where I simply had time to myself. Every aspect of my day was around the children and as much as I disliked Gabriella, her visits were good for food. I didn't have the capabilities to watch the children and hunt down prey for them at the same time.

The female had visited me nearly every day for the first week and a half. She made every excuse she could to drop by. She would bring small things or have her other children tag along. Graham had been quite excited when Clary had come for a visit. The two had played for hours. It was clear they were what a person would call friends. I didn't wish to interfere with his life, so I had allowed her to stay for extended periods of time.

However for the past week Gabriella hadn't been to visit. Uriel had seemingly took her place for a few sporadic visits. One one such trip he has introduced me to his daughters Caeda and Brin. I didn't particularly mind the two females. Their father must have taught them well because they waited until I invited them in and gave me submission in my own territory. It made my wolf less wary around them. She didn't particularly care for them in the territory but she wasn't actively focusing on them.

The banging came again and I was more than aware more than one set of hands was making the noise. I stood up, washing the blood off the blade before shutting the water off. There was a heavy steam in the small bathroom and I exited the small shower before grabbing a darker coloured towel and wrapping it around myself. The pounding continued and I closed my eyes for a brief moment, searching for that peace and calm. It was nowhere to be found.

"Do not pound on the door." The words were clipped with warning and the pounding stopped.

"Iz hungry!" Eli's voice was shrill and I let out a small sigh as I tucked the blade into the wooden box, latching it firmly before I started to dry off.

"You ate breakfast already. There is fruit on the counter." He was constantly hungry for both food and attention. Most of the boys were. Their personalities were so similar, yet so different.

Eli was an independent child but he craved contact and food. Caden appeared as though he would give up eating if it meant I would hold him and never let him go. He clung to me constantly, never letting me get out of his sight for a long period of time. Graham was an intelligent boy who tried to act tough but still had the soft edge of childish fears to his gaze. Lander was a quiet and thoughtful boy that bottled his emotions. He didn't need to say or do anything, I knew when someone was doing as I normally did.