The Fighter

Chapter 20: Mark Comes Back

I hadn't thought about what it'd be like to see Xavier in the halls, or in pre-calculus or at lunch, I hadn't wanted to.

I felt eternally sick, like I was under a curse. I could barely get food down, and when I tried it just felt like I was shoving foam down my throat. Sleeping was difficult. I either dreamt of him or of nothing at all and either way, I woke up sad and on edge.

And yet, it was only Monday, it had only been two days without him.

"You ready?" Laura said, her arm linked in mine as we made our way down the hall to our lockers. She was as bright as usual with just a worry line here and there as her eyes studied me. I had wanted to let myself go, but Laura slept over that night to get me out of bed that morning, to put together an outfit for me and do my hair and makeup because she "wouldn't be able to walk down the halls" with me if I were a mess.

To be honest, I had looked better than I would have on a normal day; my hair was curled and bouncy, I had winged liner, lip gloss, a contoured face and my outfit didn't look like it was thrown together in five minutes.

"You've got math." She said patting my shoulders like she was beating dust out of a Persian rug. She made sure I had my book and she sent me on my way. "Don't worry Soph, things will be normal soon." I didn't even turn to say goodbye, I just somehow made my way to the class.

The class that is, that Xavier also had. 

I wanted to cry out that I didn't want it to be normal. I wanted everything to stay at the extremes. Normal was empty, boring, hollow. How could I be normal knowing that something I once had igniting inside of me was dead?

I saw him before he saw me. He was sitting in the back, slumped in his chair. He looked like someone else, like a shadow of himself. And then he glanced up and let himself stare, his green eyes widening slightly as they locked onto me. They were darker than ever.

I wanted him to stare at me forever. I wanted him to get up and speak to me, to tell me that this was all wrong. I'd take it all back just to know that he was okay and that he'd be with me for the rest of my life. 

I sat in the front row trying not to think about his face and not about him, but that was what was terrible about it all. That interaction, those few seconds, it was all we had now. I wanted more. I wanted, at least, to tell him that I didn't mean what I said. I hoped he knew.

Mr. Timothy began the lesson, turning to me as he lectured and eyeing the empty seat next to me which was once Xavier's. I felt that even he could tell that my world had ended.

"So we can look at the unit circle to determine sine, cosine, and tangent of typical degree numbers." He said. "It's not really memorization when you understand it in this way and it will come in handy for calculus later on."

I made a mistake. That was all that I could fathom at that moment.

"Sophie, why don't you explain how you'd find the cosine of 0."

His eyebrows were raised as he looked at me expectantly. "I'm sorry, I still don't understand it." I said, my eyes switching immediately from his face to the unopened notebook on my desk.

"Xavier what about you? Cosine of 0 using the unit circle?"

I didn't dare turn to look at him, but I watched as Mr. Timothy glared expectantly toward him. There wasn't a response. Mr. Timothy looked at me with an eyebrow raised before adding. "Anyone at all?"

The class went on and it ended before I could hate it anymore. I had tried to leave before anyone could stop me, but Mr. Timothy was waiting for me by the exit. "What's up with you?" He said.