The Fighter

Chapter 14: There Are Some Things a Girl is Never Supposed to See

"I don't want you to look at me differently, I don't want you to turn into me." Xavier said as we talked in the lounge which was mostly empty... except for some couple making out in the back. Their lip smacking was grossing me out to the point of leaving, but what we had to do was important.

He was staring at me intently, contemplating whether he was going finally tell me the secrets he kept hidden. His brow was creased as he bit his defined lip.

"I don't want to take away what makes you- you. I want you to stay as innocent as you are."

"I want to know," I said. "And I'm not even innocent for your information."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Just a question... was I your first kiss?"

Yes.

"Um, no." I said and he smiled, knowingly displaying his dimples.

"Yeah, I mean who kisses that well on the first try." He winked at me.

My cheeks went red. Oh, he shouldn't have.

"So back to the point, you've only been with me, and I treat my ladies very gentlemen-like."

I gave him a flat glare. "Ladies?"

He cleared his throat. "I mean, lady."

"I hate you." I said.

He laughed, stretching his foot out to rub mine under the table. I gave him a look before sliding away from the table. I mean, what was so great about footsies? Rubbing the part of his shoe that touches the dirty floor on my clean pants is far from attractive. Who knows where they have been?

There was his foot again.

"Can you control your gargantuan feet?" I said.

He laughed. "See, you failed the non-innocence test. You, Sophie Edna Taylor, are as innocent as an eight-year-old."

"A loaf of bread has better logic than you." I muttered.

"I'll take that as a compliment." He said as he leaned back on his chair.

"Considering you, it is a compliment." I said as I looked up at him who was smiling softly as he studied me. His eyes were glossed over as he stared, almost as if he was watching a memory.

I took my foot and poked his leg with it. I'll show him who's innocent.

He was laughing at me again, grabbing his stomach. He did this cute thing when he laughed, his eyes crinkled and his throat muscle became defined in a way that made me want to stare at it all day. "Innocent as ever."

But, I could see that he was not going to tell me anything, he rather laugh at me than confide in me. "Why are you always laughing at me? You can't take me seriously and I hate it."

At those words, his laughter quieted and he became very sullen, the smile straightening. He looked down at his hands as he fiddled his thumbs, taking a deep breath before matching my gaze. "I laugh because I need to... I need you to make me laugh."

His shining eyes were on me again, watching, and waiting for what I would say, almost as if he was afraid I would leave him right then. "Oh," I said looking down at the brown, scratchy table. 'The first love leaves an impression on the heart that no other can fill.' Was scratched messily on the wood.

"I'm sad, Sophie." His voice became raspy and his eyes deepened, bringing my thoughts back to him. "I'm just so sad." He said it to me like I didn't realize it before, but I did. I knew he was sad. It was that hint of sadness under his green eyes that made him so irresistible, that... called me to him.

"I go home everyday and I-I lock myself up in my room and I contemplate whether I should end it all." His hands were shaking again and he reached across the table. I let his searching hands engulf mine, not knowing how to help him, but knowing that the gates had opened and he couldn't stop what was coming out of his mouth.

"I see my dad's old jackets, I see his coffee stains on the table, his scribbles on the old calendar we have still hanging in the kitchen, and I-I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop my heart from exploding. I just wan't to stop seeing everything- to stop feeling everything"

I looked up realizing he was cut off because he was trying to stop himself from crying. His face was pained and red, his mouth was curved down, his whole body tensed.

It was then that I understood why Xavier hadn't wanted to tell me. I wasn't ready to hear what he was saying. Watching my knight in shining armor crumble before my eyes shook me inside in a way that would never leave me.

"My mom's afraid of me, Sophie. Imagine your own mother flinching every time you passed her, every time you looked in her direction." Now he was biting his lip and looking around the room. He was trying to dry out his eyes, which were glassy despite his efforts.

"And then, I saw you at Food Wealth and something inside of me switched on. Sophie, I saw you and everything before It happened came back. I wasn't a monster to you, I was annoying Xavier... annoying, normal Xavier."

I gave a wobbly smile. "Me?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice me, that you wouldn't see me ... broken, and then hearing you say my name, I realized nothing changed with you, that you were the same old Sophie, and that maybe I could be the same old Xavier."

He squeezed my hands. "You gave me hope, that maybe my whole life wouldn't be as sad as it had been the last years." A pained smile faltered across his face for seconds, his hands shaking over mine.

My heart's beating was taking up my hearing, my ears burning, my eyes watering. I was crying for him, yet he wouldn't cry for himself. He wanted to be 'the same old Xavier'... for me.

Just do it." I said, getting a look of confusion from him. "Cry," I said. "Stop holding it back and just do it."

He laughed in a way that sounded like he was letting everything out that was threatening to burst from him seconds ago. It wasn't a normal laugh, but a fake one- a coverup, Then, he made his way to my side. "I'm not going to do that in front of you."

"Why not?" I said as I was surrounded by him. His smell cradling me, his gentle touch comforting me. He was comforting me when he himself desperately needed to be comforted.

"Because I made a promise to myself, to never cry in front of you, Sophie," He exhaled slowly, "There are some things a girl is never supposed to see."

My eyes focused on those old scratches on the table. The first love leaves an impression on the heart that no other can fill.

And there in the lounge, hugging me, he made an impression on my heart... one that I was sure no one else could come close to filling... ever, because I loved him, with everything inside of me...

I loved him.

...