Haylstorm

Why I wasted my senior year

       Senior year made me feel almost invincible, as I'm sure it makes many students feel. My skin was clearing up, I had easy classes, I had great friends in all of my classes, and about 3 months into the year I met a boy.

     I met him though our school band and we hit it off almost immediately. We started dating in December and it became the first real relationship I had ever had. I began to hang out with all of his friends, I met his family, we went on double dates(my best friend was dating my boyfriends best friend, how typical), and everything seemed perfect. I still had my bad days but they were so much easier to get over since I was so distracted with other things.

      I also got my first job during this time which helped to distract me even more. I was constantly told how positive I seemed and how jealous people were that because my life looked so good on social media. This might be the most dangerous thing for someone to hear.

     The problem with basing your happiness on distracting yourself from the sadness is that sometimes the distractions become too routine and you lose yourself again.

     I was so caught up in my boyfriend, my friends, my job, and applying for colleges that when I realized I was basing my happiness on these things, I began to break down.

     Some nights I would be applying for scholarships and burst into major anxiety attacks because I would realize there's no way I could ever afford a $40,000 per year college. Or I would realize that deep down I knew I only liked the attention from my boyfriend, but I thought I was in too deep to end it at this point and I ended up just feeling crazy and confused.

    
    Because of my constant stress of paying for college I started spending all of my free time at work every single day after school. I didn't see my boyfriend or even my friends as much, and because of this I met a lot more of my coworkers. One of my coworkers in particular made it very apparent that he liked me. He was older, and awkward, and not very cute, yet for some reason I was oddly attracted to him. I think at this point my mind was just so corrupt that any time a boy offered me more attention than the last, I felt like I had to have him. He would find every excuse to come talk to me at work and I would constantly tell myself that I was just being friendly when I talked to him, when in reality I know it was flirting and I just couldn't admit it to myself because I didn't want to admit I had cheated on another boyfriend.

     When I was with my boyfriend I completely forgot about my coworker and everything seemed picture perfect. However, the last week of January my best friend got her heart broken by my boyfriends best friend. Her and I had always joked that if one of our relationships ended, the other would end consequently, and I had never considered that a serious thought until that point. Since I had already subconsciously made a decision that my coworker was a better option, I took this "opportunity" to end things with my boyfriend, even though I knew I wasn't 100% sure of my decision and I knew that I had no valid reason to end it. I also knew it was going to absolutely crush him but I took the risk anyways because I thought I had it all figured out. I texted him and ended things, and I remember crying because I knew I was giving up someone that genuinely cared for me, but I also felt awful knowing that I had technically led him on for the past week or two that I had been interested in my coworker.

     The next day at work I ended up making my friend give my coworker my number. We began texting that night, and even planned a date for the following day.

     We decided to meet at Waffle House and I've never been more nervous for a date. Nervous because I felt bad about dating so quickly after a breakup, and nervous because all of my coworkers had convinced me that he was some weirdo that no one really liked, and I didn't want to believe them, but part of me did.

      We ended up spending nearly 6 hours at Waffle House. I opened up way more than one normally would on a first date and told him all about my family problems, and everything about my future plans. He told me all about his exes, and I could tell how easily he falls in love with people. At that point I knew that anything I did from that point would be considered leading him on because I didn't have the same feelings for him, but I did it anyways.

     Looking back on it I think I did have feelings for him beginning on this day, but mostly I was obsessed with the fact that I finally had someone who was completely intrigued with every word I had to say and would listen to all of my stories and problems with no hesitation.

     We "dated" for about 4 months. However over half of that time was unofficial because I constantly changed my mind on whether or not I was "ready" to be "boyfriend and girlfriend".

     He had such a way with words that sometimes he would even convince me that I was in love with him. He would say "I can tell you like me just how you look at me" and it confused me even more because I knew in the back of my head I liked the attention, but I was convinced that on some days he was right and I was in love with him. I went through far too many phases and indecisive thoughts and never wanted to admit that it I didn't fully like him.

     So instead of really trying to figure out my feelings I constantly made excuses and willingly toyed with his emotions.

     The first two months he would ask me if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and instead of answering I would just laugh to change the subject. I would hang out with him in private, which he thought was because I wanted us to have "alone time", when in reality I was just a little embarrassed to be seen with him. None of my coworkers knew anything was going on between us, and not because it was against store policy. None of my family knew about him, but I blamed that on the fact that he was 22 and I just didn't want them to freak out about the age difference. I never posted him on social media because I didn't people to judge me. So I kept our relationship a complete secret from everyone except a few of my closest friends.

     Ironically, the months that I was dating my coworker were arguably the best months of my life, due to the fact that it was the last few months of my senior year and everything seemed to be falling into place. I had prom, banquets, I was making money, I had numerous close friends that I trusted with my life, I had applied, and gotten into AMDA, and I had even gotten to know my future roommates.

     I agreed to officially date my coworker in late April. I had been spending every free moment with him, canceling plans to see him, and even telling my mom I was going to work early just so I could meet him and hang out with him. The more physical we got, the more I wanted to see him. I constantly craved the attention, but never really craved him. In fact, I can hardly tell you any important conversations w had, but I can tell you every detail of the times he would touch me, either intimately or platonically.

     I craved the attention so bad that I started going in public with him and started to convince myself that I had real feelings for him. I spent the last few half days of school at his house, instead of going out to eat with friends like everyone else did. I even invited him to my graduation and went to his house after eating dinner with family.

     A few days after graduation I was hit with a huge wave of guilt and regret. Regret from wasting the last few days of senior year I had with my friends, and guilt from realizing that this was a real person that I was treating like a toy to use when it was convenient.