Haylstorm

Why I thought I deserved sexual assault

Eventually I ended things with him in June and he was so in love with me that it broke my heart to break his. The day after I ended things with him he waited for me in his car outside of work and I jokingly told my coworkers that he's "stalking me", and my boss ended up going outside to make him leave, and when he refused, my boss fired him on the spot. Then the next day he "broke into my car" to put flowers in it. My car door never fully locked, the alarm would just blare loudly any time the door was opened without a key, so I'm assuming that's how he did it. When I got off that night I saw him in his car but I pretended to not notice him. I drove away and halfway home I looked down in my passengers seat and saw a note with flowers next to it.

     I didn't know whether to be uncomfortable or flattered and when I told my coworkers the next day about everything that happened they told me how crazy he was and I agreed, even though I knew that I was the one that made him crazy. I felt so guilty for getting him fired, but I continued to keep telling people how obsessed he was, even though I was the one that lead him on.

     Yet again, I quickly repeated the cycle. I went to a church camp and met a boy there. I thought that because he was a Christian boy it would be perfect. He lived a few hours away but he said he would come visit me because he supposedly visited Arlington all the time for the Cowboys games. He came to see me the week after camp and invited me to his hotel. I met him there and we talked and laughed and even made out, but he didn't even try anything further so I thought I finally found a good guy. We went on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend, went to the movies, and shopped around. Everything seemed so perfect that I didn't think anything could go wrong.

     We got back to his hotel room and things escalated quicker than I ever thought they would. I continually pushed his hand away or pulled back from him but he continued to push me to do what he wanted. I could tell he was getting angry and frustrated and he kept making comments like "really? This isn't middle school" and I would give in for a few seconds to keep him from getting more angry.

This was not a new experience for me due to the fact that I had given in to both of my exes when they would begin to get physical, but with my exes I was always at least comfortable before they would do anything. I always felt a lot of guilt deep down, like God was literally watching me when I would do inappropriate things with guys, but at this point I had gotten comfortable with physical intimacy and obviously started to want it. However, in this instance, nothing in my mind or body wanted this to happen at all.

He continued for about an hour before he finally gave up and said "alright well I guess I'm going to bed".

I laid there naked in a random hotel bed with a boy I barley knew and couldn't do anything about it because it was 1 AM and no one knew I had stayed the night with him.

     I didn't get much sleep that night and woke  up at 9 to tell him that I had gotten "called into work early" just so I would have an excuse to leave. I got up to get ready and as I went in the bathroom he offered to come "shower with me", this comment made me so disgusted that I completely lost it. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the phone to my friend because I wasn't even sure how to describe what had happened to me. I wasn't raped or assaulted because technically I let it happen, but I didn't want it to at all.

     I quickly pulled myself together enough to grab my things and leave. He didn't even offer to walk me down to my car, which angered me even more. I sat in my car for the next 2 hours before work and bawled because I was so convinced that this was my punishment for using guys in the past.