Haylstorm

Why I now understand "daddy issues"

The term "daddy issues" had never really made sense to me until I was forced to understand it. I spent the next years searching so desperately for attention from a male figure that the majority of my testimony involves mistakes that could've been prevented if I hadn't been involved with boys.

A month after my father left I started dating a boy who was my best friend. I honestly didn't have any feelings for him romantically, but the fact that he liked me and gave me attention was something that I wanted so badly at the time that I lied to him and told him I liked him so that I wouldn't lose his affection. He was a very awkward boy in the sense that he had never really dated and had no idea what to do with a girlfriend. We held hands maybe twice and hugged a few times but never even kissed. The majority of our conversations were over text and all of our dates involved movies because that required no talking. Needless to say, subconsciously, that wasn't enough attention for me.

While I was still dating him another boy started to have a crush on me. I began to lead the other boy on even though I was still dating my best friend, and eventually the other boy started to get more and more touchy, even when I told him I had a boyfriend. Soon enough, I began to stop rejecting his flirting and signs of affection. After about a week he caught me in the hallway during class one day and kissed me.

That night I realized I had to break up with my boyfriend and I even went as far as to tell the new boy that I would break up with my boyfriend just so me and him could finally be together. I broke up with my best friend over the phone and could hear his heart break through the speaker. But my heart felt so stone cold at this point that I didn't even care. I texted the new boy and told him I was single and me and him started "dating" that night.

We lasted 3 days. It was over Christmas break and I realized there would be no way for me to physically see him for two weeks so I got bored of it and ended it.

That night something inside of me finally broke. I realized how disgusting my attempt to fill the void with attention from boys was, and how much I was hurting boys that didn't deserve it.

I realized that my first kiss was from a boy who I only liked the attention from, all while I was dating someone else that I didn't like, and needless to say, that's never what I imagined my first kiss would be like. To say that I felt disgusting would be an understatement.

I also realized for the first time in 2 months that my dad would never walk back into our house. An odd "epiphany" to have, I know, but since he was a truck driver for the majority of my life, his absence the first month or two didn't really hit me so hard because I was used to him not being around. Everything seemed to hit me like a brick this night and it felt like everything was crashing around me. I felt absolutely worthless and was convinced that if my own father didn't want me, then surely no other guy would either. I wish I could say that in this moment I turned to God and asked Him for help, but to be completely honest, I'm not even sure if I prayed this night. All I know is that I spent the next few hours crying so hard that I couldn't see, breathe, or get the ringing in my ears to stop.