Haylstorm

Why my summer was a waste

     These boys were the perfect roommates and for a short time I didn't have any problems to worry about at all in my own home, which was a nice change.

     Unfortunately, during this time I had a huge wave of depression sweep over me one night and I couldn't find any reason for it or any way to make it go away. I had experienced nights like this before but I could usually snap myself out of it pretty easily. But something about this night just made me feel absolutely hopeless. I even texted the suicide hotline because I was so desperate at this point and nothing seemed to be helping and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

     I couldn't get out of this "funk" for about a week and I pushed every single one of my friends away. I tried to use this time to get closer to God but my mind was so bitter that I didn't want anything to do with Him. I even reached out to my mom for help which, at this point, was a miracle itself.

     I was at a job that I absolutely hated at this point, which I think caused some of the stress and nearly every day when I would walk into work I would have anxiety attacks. I would stand there and try to take customers orders, but wouldn't listen to a thing they said because I couldn't hear anything over the sound of my heart beat. Coworkers would question what was wrong and every once in a while I would vent just to get it all off my chest. The job wasn't hard by any means and honestly it was probably the most relaxed job I've ever had, which always made me feel crazy for hating it so much, but there was just something about it that gave me horrendous vibes and I couldn't handle it.

     Mid-July I finally found another job and I started to feel like myself again knowing that I would have a fresh start. 

     I was starting to enjoy things again and get back in my regular routine, but I couldn't help but constantly wonder if I was going to randomly get pulled into that awful state of depression again.

      In August, our roommates told us they were going to have to move back home. Leslie and I were devastated because we didn't want to live with anyone else. They assured us that they would find us new roommates so that we didn't have to worry about it and we trusted them.

     They ended up picking the first pair of boys that were willing to pay the security deposit upfront. Which was understandable because from their point of view, they just wanted to not worry about the money. The boys they picked seemed nice and laid back, but Leslie and I were still skeptical of living with boys again.

      At first it was fine and we only really ever saw one of the boys at home because he was always watching our tv. It wasn't too much of a bother because Leslie and I hardly used the tv anyway so at least it was finally getting some use.

     The only problem at first was that this boy talked a lot. More than anyone I have ever met. And for someone like me, who enjoys their alone time a little too much, this was the biggest annoyance I had ever encountered.

     I would come home from a long day of work and just want to make some dinner and quietly go in my room. But that never happened. The second I entered my apartment- even if I was wearing headphones- I was bombarded with questions, facts about tv characters that I didn't care about, rants from his work day, and so many other useless conversation starters. I don't think I ever actually listened to a word he said because it was all completely irrelevant.

     After a few months of this I didn't even try to pretend like I was listening. He would talk for at least 4 minutes straight and when he would pause I would look straight up at him, only to continue looking back down at whatever food I was making.

     But he never got the hint. Or maybe he did and just didn't care. To this day I'll never know.

     All I do know is I started to dread coming home to my own apartment. I would plot ways to try to come home before him so that I could hide in my room all night, but nothing ever seemed to work. Eventually I started to loathe this boys existence simply because it was ruining my life, so to speak.